Wednesday's

One of these days, maybe, I won't think about Wednesday's as a bad day. I can not even think about it  being Wednesday and just feel off and then it clicks. 

Wednesday, February 3, Emery Hope McCants took her last breaths here on this Earth. Forever, I will probably always remember Wednesday's as hard days. I think so much about her & I think more on how I miss her. I have a harder time getting up and going on Wednesday's. I have a harder time to even wake up. It's like I don't want to even face the day. I do, but my body, heart, and mind are just not in it. Pray for me every day, but especially on Wednesday's. 

Today marks 5 Wednesday's since I held her. The only time I was able to hold her and cuddle her was when she was dying. It's heart breaking to think of. To think of Jordan & me making that decision to stop treating and taking her off the machines that were keeping her alive and supposed to be helping her. I can still remember the smell of the NICU, the time I took to wash my hands just to go sit by her bed (3 minutes to be exact - scrubbing my skin off) and I would do it in a heartbeat again to still be going to see her. I can remember sitting there with Jordan and us discussing when we were going to disconnect her. The conversation going "Skye, we need to just let her go." and me saying "not yet, Jordan, not yet." I just wanted to keep holding her body.... while she was alive. Yes, she was fading... yes, she was getting colder... yes, her heart rate was dropping.. yes, she was about to just die... but Mama wasn't ready to let go! To be honest, I'm still not ready to let go... yet, I had to that day. I had to tell my baby girl that I wanted so bad... our 3rd kid... that I felt was going to complete our family... goodbye! The machines behind me kept buzzing and going off because her sats were dropping so much. They came to turn them off because it didn't matter anymore, they meant nothing. I decided at that point to go ahead and unplug her. 

The doctor asked me if I wanted him to take the tape off her face so I could see her full face as she took her last breaths. I did. I hadn't seen her full face since the night she was born. It was a beautiful face! She was gorgeous! I watched her take her last couple of breaths - and she SMILED! a BIG smile. I know she met Jesus and she was giving me the reassurance I needed that she was ok. 

Mama's should never have to tell their babies goodbye. But I did. On that cold day in February, I told my baby "see you later." because that is our promise - one day I will see her again. She will be perfect, whole, no tubes or medicine keeping her alive, just her. God knows how much I miss her. 

Why He did this I think I will question forever? Why at 23 days old did she need to go HOME? Why could I only borrow her for 23 days? Why couldn't I love her longer? Why? Why? Why? 

I have a million what ifs, too - What if I would've done this different or that different? What if they would've caught her stomach problems sooner? What if I did this - Did I make her sick because I was so sick before I had her? What if? What if? What if? 

And of course, I'm human... I blame myself partly. Why could I carry both girls full term and then my baby girl I wasn't able to carry? I can remember standing over her as she was fading before I was able to hold her just crying and telling her how sorry I was that she was so sick & was dying. 

So, Wednesday's ... they are hard days! I miss her more on Wednesday's it seems. I need her more on Wednesday's. 

I've prayed a lot today. I've read my bible a lot today. I've cried a lot today. I've studied my bible study more today. I've read my Angie Smith "What Women Fear" today. I just needed a lot of HIM today to get through. 

One day Wednesday's will become another day, but for now in this journey Wednesday's are hard. They just make me want curl up in my room and just stay there. Life goes on - I have 2 other girls and a husband that needs me, too. I get up and muster through the day but on Wednesday's I long for bedtime for a new day to come through. 

Tonight as Jordan was leaving for work he asked if I was ok as he was hugging me. I told him I was ok and that "tomorrow is another day." Luckily, it is! And lucky for me, it's his day off. It always helps when he's home with me all day every day. :-) 

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted" Matthew 5:4 

"Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am in distress; my eye is wasted from grief; my soul and my body also." Psalm 31:9 

Emery Hope, Mama misses you sweet spirit so much. I don't believe that will ever go away. I know my days will get easier as the time starts to heal me some but I will never be able to just go on with life without always thinking of you. There is void in my life and my heart that won't ever be filled. I miss you dearly. I know you were sent her for a purpose. I thank GOD daily that he allowed me to be your Mama, even if I question why HE took you from me and why HE needed you more than I do. I know you brought many to their knees and you brought so many to Jesus in your short time here. A one pound baby girl who had such a pull on people to bring them to Jesus. People that didn't even know Mama, Daddy, or you were captivated by you and called to pray for you. You saved many, baby girl. I told your Daddy that I can't wait until I can ask God in heaven why HE needed you. He said he feels sure God will just start pointing to people and saying "that's why... She saved all of them." You moved mountains in your short life. I miss you, but you won't ever be forgotten and we will always miss you. I love you so much, sweet girl! Keep watching over us! Keep sending us signs that you are ok. Until we meet again, Mama.