I'm Still Here

I've been MIA for quite some time. 

I apologize. We have been so busy since school started back that I just haven't taken the time to sit down and work on my blog like I want. 

I have so much I want to share with you guys. 

We have decorated Emery's headstone with fall flowers. It looks beautiful out there for her. I love this time of year and couldn't wait to decorate her headstone in the most beautiful fall flowers. 

Makenzi had her school pictures. I went to Walmart the night before her pictures and picked her up a cute little dress so she would wear something new this year. When I got home with it, Addison asked me "what about me?" I had picked her up the same dress. MY girls LOVE to dress alike. I have some of the sweetest sisters ever. 

We spent some time at the Wilson County Fair. We love the fair. We look forward to it every single year... the food, the rides, the fun! 

We've had some busy times and some fun times. The girls have been gone or with grandparents the past two weekends, so I've spent time downtown with Jordan. We love our time together. He loves being able to have me downtown and I love being there with him. 

We have all enjoyed this fall like weather this week. Cool weather after the crazy, hot summer we have had is so nice! Fall is my favorite time of year anyway, so feeling the crispness in the air has just made my heart so happy. 

I want to share a little something with you guys - after the year I've had I have spent a lot of time contemplating, thinking, praying, and making notes and mental notes on writing a book. I want to share some things I feel might be helpful to others. I want to write a book on What You Do When God Doesn't.... like when He doesn't answer your prayers in the way you want. Where do you go? I want to just continue to use my faith, continue to use my Emery's story, and write from my heart. I want to show people I do still scream and do still have my moments of being MAD and I think others could benefit from a book like that. So, I am going to be making notes... I'm not saying it'll happen, and I'm not saying it'll happen soon. But I am thinking on it and I am making notes. I am going to attempt to put together some thoughts in a coherent way to try at writing a full book. *wide eyed emoji* Please pray with me that I may be able to do something like this to benefit others. I know reading certain blogs, books, and even articles have truly helped me. I want to continue to use my Emery's story to help others! 

Anyway - I just wanted to run all of that by you all. I wanted to share a little of our lives lately and I hope starting this week I can get inspired to make my daily posts again! :-) Much love to you all! 

Mommy & Me Pics

We had pictures made, thanks to my sister-in-law and brother. 

They were Mommy and me pictures. It was kind of bittersweet because I was a missing a girl. 

However, she was there... we took her things to add to our pictures and as the pictures were over the most beautiful pink sunset happened. 

I love these pictures. I'm going to share a couple of them with you. 

If you are local, you can look up Kori Hobbs Photography. She's awesome. 

We have been friends for years. Our oldest girls are a day apart. We had bedrest at the same time and kept each other company by texting all day long while we were laying. 

So... here are a few of our pictures! Enjoy! 

My sweet, sweet girls! They are the BEST of friends. You can see their closeness here, the way Makenzi wraps her arm around Addison. Addison in true form... refusing to smile, but she can barely help it! I love these girls, oh so much!!!! 

My big Makenzi! I can't believe how big she has gotten! She is beautiful. Those sweet little cheeks, that smile, and her looking so grown up. I can't believe how big she is. She is supposed to still be my baby. 

Of course, our little sidekick Bella joined in for a few pictures. They had their pictures made right before us. :-) 

Addison was being a little punk - and didn't want to smile for any of the pictures. I think this is probably one of my favorite pictures of her. That is her personality... trying not to smile but could barely help it. Those big sweet dimples showing, and those gorgeous, huge brown eyes! 

And last but not least... the pictures with their baby sister. I brought Emery's picture from her casket, the pillow the lady made out of my dress with the same embroidery that was on Emery's burial gown & the bow just like the one she wore on her head, and the teddy bear that came with her casket (which we refer to as Baby Emery). These girls (all 3 of them) are the reason I breathe. 

When I saw this picture, it brought tears to my eyes. It wasn't quite the picture of my dreams, but it is what it is. God knew better than me.  

I can't thank Kori, and my brother and sister-in-law enough for these pictures. They are so gorgeous and we will cherish them. 

Friday Favorites

Today I am linking up with Andrea and Erika with my Friday Favorites. 

ONE

It was back to school this week. Although not my absolute favorite (because who wants to wake up at 5am) but I love back to school pictures. 

I love the memories of going back and looking through the years and seeing how much my girls have grown. 

Yes, I misspelled school and had to write over it (ha!). I really started questioning myself on my ability to homeschool her at this point in the week. 

TWO 

I never thought I would homeschool, but I decided instead of putting Addison in an actual Pre-K program I would just homeschool her. 

I spent yesterday (Makenzi's random day off in the first week of school) making a Pre-K folder (thank you Pinterest) for Addison. 

Last night, we sat down and worked on it. She is so proud of herself and really concentrating on it. It makes me proud of her and even myself for being able to teach her. 

THREE 

SNAPCHAT FILTERS 

FOUR

I kept telling Jordan that Robby looked like a Barbie doll... not necessarily the best looking Ken Barbie but still he looked plastic to me. When I saw this comparison on Facebook the other night, I about died. I laughed and laughed and immediately screenshot it to share with Jordan. Someone needed to mess Robby's hair up!!!! :-) 

FIVE 

Hot pink sunsets!!! Always reminds me of my sweet Emery Hope who is painting the skies in heaven.  I am forever thankful for God allowing me to see her beauty through the pink skies. 

SIX 

I went with some friends to the CMA Fest back in June. We had the best time. 

We watched the CMA Fest on TV the other night and I saw Carmen and her Mom on TV, where Dierks Bentley reached down and touched her head! AHHH!!!! I was so excited. I squealed "Jordan, there's Carmen!" and he kept rewinding it until he got the perfect picture!!! :-) 

SEVEN

This Bath and Body Works body scrub!!! After a hard day for me, a headache, and just being worn out.... I get in a hot bubble bath and soak and scrub with it! AMAZING!!!! 

I received it in a care package from a friend after Emery passed away. I tagged her in Facebook to thank her. I am still so thankful for this little jar of happiness! :-) 

EIGHT

First week of school has us all like..... 

I will have to say it's been a good first week of school... a busy one, but luckily we've had a good one! 

I am looking forward to watching a couple of movies with the kiddos and Jordan tonight, while we eat Sloppy Joes (their request) and slice up a watermelon. Hope you guys all have a wonderful weekend!!!! 

August 3, 2016

I kind of slacked on writing on the 3rd. 

It was 6 months on the 3rd when Emery went to be with Jesus. 

It is so hard to believe it has been 6 months. 

Half a year! 

Some days it feels like yesterday, and others feels like it's been forever.  I miss her so much! Some days seem harder than others and some days I feel I've got a hold of this grief thing. My family helps with that a lot. 

When I see this hot pink sunsets, my heart just melts. I never got to see my baby grow up. I only was able to see her for 23 short days. However, I know God is allowing me to see her beauty through these pink sunsets. There have been so many pink sunsets since she joined Him in Heaven, that I know it is a sign for me to know she is ok and well taken care of. 

Oh my sweet Emery, I saw this on Facebook the other night and it just rang so true. I will always wonder who you would have been... so many questions I ask. A lot of times they keep me up at night... what you would look like? Would you be a Daddy's girl like Addison or a Mama's girl like Makenzi? Would you look like Addison still? Would you have dimples like Addison when you smile? Would your eyes have turned green like your Mama's? Oh I just long to see you one more time... I long to hold you one more time. But I know... one more time wouldn't be enough. I wish I was able to love you longer and watch you grow... But I know one day I will be reunited with you in heaven, and I will be able to have you with me for all eternity. Love you sweet girl! 

  

We will get through one day at a time... I just pray God continues to comfort us as only He can. And I continue to pray He allows me to see pink sunsets as much as possible and I thank HIM every night I see one. 

First Day of 3rd Grade & "That Homeschool"

Yesterday - bright and early (6:45am) we left the house for Makenzi's first day of school. 

I can't believe she's in the 3rd grade. It does not seem possible. I reminisced some on first day of school years past... Oh my sweet girl has grown so much. She looked so grown up as we left yesterday morning. 

She had on her brand new outfit (I'm the Mom who buys ONE new outfit to start school since we start in summer time... and I'll buy her a new wardrobe come fall when it's actually cool). 

We have a tradition where I need a silly face picture with her sidewalk chalk writing. I love to see how she changes each year even down to her silly poses. 

I walked her into her classroom for the first day. I watched her put her things away and then one sit in her desk. I watched her chit chat with one of her friends at their cubbies as they put away their things. It's just so surreal to me to watch her in her little environment. 

I'll be honest... part of me was ready for school to start back for routine. Makenzi does so much better with routine. Plus I was ready for some quiet time... some me time. They stay up so late and sleep until I wake up, that I never had down time for just me. I wouldn't mind it so much if she didn't need me to fall asleep. 

However, I do miss her so much now that she is in school. I wonder all day long how her day is going, if she's having fun, if she's making new friends, if she needs a hug, etc. 

Makenzi Grace, Watching you grow up has been so much fun, but I am wishing time would slow down. I love that right now you still need me to walk you into school and I will do it until it's not cool to hold Mama's hand as you walk in. I love your dramatic personality, even if it kills me sometimes. I love that you love school (except the waking up early part). I just want you to know I am so proud of you and know that you can do anything you put your mind to. I can't wait to watch you just excel through the 3rd grade. Remember, God's got this! We prayed hard for this school year to be one of your best, and we know He will provide for you! I love you, baby girl!!! ~Mama

And this one - Addison Faith started "homeschool" Pre-K. We decided not to send her to Pre-K like we did Makenzi. It didn't benefit Makenzi and made adjustment to Kindergarten harder. And to be honest... with the year we had, we weren't ready to send our baby off to school quite yet. 

So, Addison and I started "That Homeschool" as she is referring to it yesterday. We worked on her letters and numbers, she told me her colors and separated her blocks into colors. She's super smart. I just want her to know the essentials before Kindergarten, so we will work every day on it. 

She wrote her letters some. I had her write her name and she always leaves out the "i" and the "s." I told her we couldn't do that and we were going to learn how to write them. She told me "Mama, we need to just leave those out because I don't know how to make them." So, she wanted to spell her name "Addon" and that's exactly how she was writing it. But we worked on it... and she finally spelled it correctly. 

When we told her we were going to do homeschool with her, her mind started going. She asked me one day "Mama, when I in that homeschool, I can still take naps when I want, right?" and then "Mama, when I in that homeschool, I can still watch TV when I want, right?" HA! She has a lot to learn about school. But we are working on it. SLOWLY but we are! 

She is so funny. I am going to love being able to teach her things at home. 

After we finished our little lesson yesterday, she told me "that homeschool is BORING!" Oh sweet girl! You don't know anything yet.... we only did school for about an hour yesterday. :-) 

Addison Faith - You are so smart! I am so excited to be able to keep you home one more year and teach you. I am loving watching you mature and grow. I love watching you learn new things and how excited you get when you figure something out. I love watching how you want to learn from your sister. I love when you show her something you've learned. You will excel in all you do. We are so excited to see you succeed. You can do anything you put your mind to and we are so proud of you! I am praying God will allow me to teach you all you need to know to help you be the smartest. I love you, sweet girl! ~Mama

I saw this on Facebook yesterday and I loved it. I think this is perfect way to Pray for our children while they're in school. I constantly am praying for Makenzi as she is away from me. I know it's a necessary thing for her to be in school, but I just pray she keeps God close and she stays safe. I say the same prayers over my sweet Addison  

Even though summer went by really fast (and it was a hard summer), I am excited for this school year for my girls. I am hopeful it will be one of their best years yet. I am praying everything just goes up for us now. We are putting our full trust in God to take care of everything, just as He has this whole year. As I tell Makenzi (and my Mama tells me), God's got this! We just have to let Him! 

Pink Sunsets | | Pink Sunrises

I just want to document these - 

Ever since my Grandaddy joined my sweet Baby Emery in heaven, I have struggled. I just cry or am depressed or down all day every day. I just need them both. But, I have seen a PINK sunset every single night since he's been with her. 

I just stop and thank God for allowing me to see my sweet girl. I know she's ok... I know she's well taken care of. I know she is happy and carefree. I know she is where we long to be one day. 

I miss her terribly... and with each passing day it seems to hurt worse right now. It's been 5 months since I've seen her face, since I've rubbed her feet and her hair. I just want to hold her and rock her. I want to love on her. 

I am reminded today that it has been ONE week since I kissed my Grandaddy goodbye on this cruel Earth. I didn't get to give him a proper goodbye but I leaned down into that casket and kissed his cold head because I needed that. I didn't think when I kissed him goodbye in June would be the last time I would see him alive. 

You guys, the past two weeks have been miserable for me in my grieving process. But with my PINK sunsets, I am reminded of our eternal HOPE waiting for us all at the end of this life.

 I was having a rough day the other day and looked up and saw the most beautiful pink sunset ever and told my Mom I can just picture my Grandaddy and Emery up there having a big ole time and her saying "Grandaddy, watch this, wanna see my Mama smile?" and them painting the sky pink. Even on my hardest days, a pink sunset can sure bring a smile to my face. 

I took my Mom to the airport early this morning and was able to see the sunrise. Makenzi and I looked up and she couldn't believe it. She said "LOOK MAMA!!!" Oh my sweet Baby Emery was telling us "Good Morning!" I am rarely up before the sun, so it was nice to see that sweet reminder. 

I am reminded of God's eternal glory every day. 

Amazing Grace

Sometimes I just need to hear my girls playing and worshipping! 

This right here melted my heart and made my day. 

I've had some hard days lately, so hearing them singing Amazing Grace just made me smile. 

I hope it does the same for you! 

Let's Talk - Back to School

It's late and I've just started this back to school post. 

One week from today, Makenzi will be back in school. She will be in the 3rd grade. I honestly can't believe it. I am still thinking I should just be bringing her home from the hospital. 

She's really anxious about school. She's hoping she gets a good teacher (and I am praying hard for one). We've had rough year and she needs a very loving teacher. (I am picky in the teacher department when it comes to Makenzi). 

One of our back to school traditions is I always get up and draw what grade she is in on the patio. We take her first day of school picture out there with the bright sidewalk chalk, brand new shoes, backpack, and new outfit. It's always nice to look back at those to see how much she's grown. 

This year we have decided instead of putting Addison in Pre-K, we are going to home school her for Pre-K. I am going to teach her the fundamentals Makenzi learned in Pre-K from home. It will just work for us. Makenzi did not benefit from Pre-K, so we decided we would keep Addison home one more year. 

Addison has learned this and has started telling everyone she's going to be doing "that homeschool." She, also, has made the statement "Mama, when I'm in that homeschool I can still take naps whenever I want, right?" and "Mama, when I'm in that homeschool I can still watch TV whenever I want, right?" I kid you not those were exact questions she asked me. We will have some disagreements I'm sure...but she'll make it. She will learn and be ready for kindergarten for sure. 

I can't wait to experience this school year with my kiddos. However, I am going to be honest and say I am not ready for them to go back to school yet. I feel like we just started summer. 

This weekend I will go and tackle all the school supply shopping, new outfits (it's still so hot out we only get a couple new outfits just so there's something new to start school with, and new shoes. Then we will start bright and early Monday morning. I think I will cry (again... she's in the 3rd grade) the moment I leave her at the door. I have one more year before I have to drop Addison off, too. I will for sure be a basket case that day. 

But I will tell you - back to school means one thing - it's closer to FALL, which of course, is the BEST time of year. I am for certain that's what heaven will be like! :-) 

God DOES Give You More than You Can Handle

Everyone has heard the age old saying "God doesn't give you more than you can handle," and I'm sure we've all used it to someone who is suffering as a consoling message. 

With all that I've been through this year, I've heard it quite a bit and I always smile and nod. 

However, what is really true is God never said he wouldn't give us more than we can handle. Not once! There isn't anything biblical in that statement. 

Losing a child - that's a LOT to handle. God gives you more than you can handle to see how you handle it. Do you lean on HIM or do you stray away? Do you use HIM to cope or do you use something else? Do you trust HIM to bring you through it or do you leave HIM? 

He gives us more than we can handle so that He can help us handle what we are given.

Losing a baby... losing my Grandaddy who has been the man constant in my life for 32 years... has been a lot. And I'm going to go on a limb here and say that's a lot more than I am ever prepared to handle. I'm back to square one of grieving after losing my Grandaddy and I've cried every single day - not just soft cries, I'm talking sobbing cries. I miss Emery Hope and I miss him. I never expected to live this life without either one of them (I knew eventually I'd lose my Grandaddy... I guess deep down... but wasn't prepared for it). 

So, I've experienced WAY more than anyone can handle. However, I've leaned on my Lord for it all. 2 Corinthians 1:9 states "Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves, but on God who raises the dead." God will give you more than you can handle so that HIS great power can be displayed in your life. 

In 2 Corinthians 4:17-18, Paul says "For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal." You guys, Paul is trying to get us to look to the eternal weight of glory. Look to the eternal aspect... not the suffering now. Yes, it's bad... and yes, it hurts so much... but look at eternity. 

I know my heaven gets a little sweeter with each heart break I've experienced this year. As sad as I am here, and as many breakdowns as I continue to have daily... I know one thing I've got some pretty special people in heaven waiting on me. I know my baby girl is there and being well taken care of (how can someone love her more than I do - oh but Jesus can). I know my Grandaddy is there and happy and back to a new body where he has all the energy he had as a younger man. 

So, even though God will give you more than YOU can handle... He will NOT ever forsake you. He won't ever leave you. As long as you allow him in, and allow HIM to comfort you as only He can... you can get through these hard times in life. I promise you that! 

Losing a Child

Last week, Jordan and I were able to have a kid free week. We normally get about one week a summer to ourselves. We fully enjoy this time. I am able to go with him to work (one of the perks of him being a musician), so we are never apart. We get to spend all of our time together. 

While I was there, I experienced something I didn't think I'd ever experience. I had someone tell me "You know there's many ways to losing a child." 

Mind you - this person hasn't lost a child. The child is simply away at college - not at home anymore. I guess you can say an empty nest syndrome. 

Let me tell you something - there is NO comparison to a child going off to college to losing a child like I have my Emery. 

I can't pick up the phone and call her to hear her voice. I can't go visit her whenever I want or ever see her again on this Earth. I don't get to buy her anything... but flowers for her headstone. I don't ever get to experience her growing up and even going to college. I miss every single thing about being a parent to my baby girl. 

Yes, I still have my other two at home... and for that I am oh so thankful. Will I miss them when they move away to college or get married or move out? Absolutely! Will the emptiness I feel when they leave compare to the emptiness I feel losing Emery? ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! 

There is no comparison to that! 

This is just another thing to add to my growing list of things not to say to a grieving mother. 

I pray this person never really has to experience the complete loss of a child, if they truly feel a child moving off to college is even close to losing a child. 

It just shows you that people who haven't experienced losing a child, really do not have a clue. Some people can be really sympathetic and say comforting things, and some people can just be flat out stupid (sorry, but there's just no other word for that). You don't say something like that to a mother who buried their child .... in a cemetery... in a spot in the cemetery especially for small children/babies. 

It hurts me to think people can be so rude. That people can be that ignorant to even think that is a close to a comparison. 

I long to hold my Emery, I long to rock her, nurture her, watch her grow, see her smile, hear her voice, hear her cry, kiss her booboos, kiss her sweet face, rub her soft black hair (and see if it would change to blonde like her sisters' did), look into those BIG eyes (and secretly hope they turned green like mine). But I don't get to see those things... I won't get to see her again until I'm in heaven with her. I know that day will be a glorious day I can only dream about (and even then it won't compare to the greatness of heaven). But to those of you who think losing a child just means them moving away... you are far mistaken! You can call your child, you can visit your child, you can watch them grow and mature, move away and get married, get jobs, etc. I can't do those things. 

It was something that's been weighing on me.... and I needed to just write it out. Emery is missed far more than she will ever even know (because who would miss this cruel nasty world in heaven). I can't wait until the day I can join her... and love her for all of eternity. 

Until then... don't ever compare losing a child to something as much as a child growing up and moving away. There is no comparison. 

I've Got So Much To Say

If you're friends with me on Facebook, you know this summer has been no walk in the park for my family and me. 

We have lost so many close relatives. 

A few of those have brought me to my knees in tears. 

Jordan's Gramma was the first in June... She was such an amazing lady. She loved me like I was hers (and I guess after 9 years I was). Jordan had told me the whole time we've been together how hard it would be when he lost his Gramma and Pop and he took it very hard when she was gone. I held him and let him cry. 

She was absolutely gorgeous. She was a woman that would do anything for anyone. She would give you the shirt off her back if she thought you needed it. She has helped everyone she could for years. She has helped Jordan and me more times than I can even imagine. I loved hearing stories of her at her funeral. She was a special lady and oh my, she will be missed!!! 

We've experienced so much. Our hearts are so broken. I heard the other day "it's like a jigsaw puzzle that's been torn all apart," in a song... and that fits perfectly right now. 

3 weeks from when Gramma passed away, I received a phone call from my cousin in the middle of night... my Grandaddy has just died. Gramma and my Grandaddy passed away much the same way... they felt bad and then within an hour they were gone. When I got that phone call, I broke down. I cried my eyes out and today (he's been gone since Sunday, I am still crying at the drop of a hat). He's the one man I really thought would just live forever and take care of me. I thought he would be there to answer all my questions for all the days of my life. I don't know how to live without him or my Nanny. I am lucky to still have my Nanny but now the reality has set in that I don't get to keep them forever and I will eventually have to tell her goodbye, too... and it's killing me. 

I don't think anyone really realized how close I was to my Nanny and Grandaddy unless you were really close to me. I talked to them every single day. I called them every day when I would go pick Makenzi up from school. I called them when I would head out of town, so they knew where I was and when I was on the road. I called them when I needed to vent or to cry. I called them when something exciting happened. I called them when something devastating happened. I called them multiple times a day when Emery was alive to keep them updated because my Grandaddy couldn't fall asleep at night until he heard how Emery was. They are my world. I don't know how to go on without him... but I know I have to. 

I spent so many summers at their house and I miss those times. I've let my girls experience it some. We've spent Spring breaks there and summer times. I feel sure we aren't going to stop now... we will continue to go see my Nanny. 

We drove them mad. But I know they wouldn't have had it any other way than to have us all under their roof. My Grandaddy was always firm with us (well, except me... you can ask the boys). But... he never once spanked any of us, even the boys, and they were rough sometimes. He told us stories about being in the army, he told us stories about fishing and took us fishing and out on the water, he always had the biggest garden I'd ever seen and worked his summers away in them, he had the most immaculate yard you could think of because that's where he loved to be, he was a John Deere man and that's all he had (he even sold John Deere at his shop for many years), he took care of us all. My Nanny and him spent a week with me after I had Makenzi and Addison to help take care of me and my girls (and spoil my girls). He was right where he wanted to be. 

I told everyone I was his favorite. I said it jokingly but I know in his eyes, I could do no wrong and he loved me immensely (he loved the boys, too but I was the only granddaughter). He took care of me. So many at his funeral would come up to me and say "you were his pride and joy", "he talked about you all the time," "you were his favorite, and I know so because he told me one time," "Skye was always in conversations even if we hadn't been talking about you, you were going to come up somehow, someway." That man was my rock. I knew I could count on him for anything. 

I don't think I can really express how much I miss him already. I want to call my Nanny right now and hear him mumbling in the background. I want to just hug him or feel him tickle my foot as he walked past me with his long fingernails and rough, working man hands or hear him say "when you coming to see me?" 

I know for sure he's with my baby Emery and taking care of her for me until I get there. He's holding her just like he did me. She's got the place as his favorite right now. But I'll be there one day... to be with them. 

You guys, we have had the roughest 6 months ever. We have lost a total of 5 relatives... We lost our Emery Hope, Jordan's Aunt Gail, Jordan's Gramma, Pa Mark's daddy, and my Grandaddy. Our hearts are so heavy. They are so shattered. We need the prayers to get through these rough times. 

I have a few stories to share with you guys - and I hope I can get some blogging done this week and share my heart on some things that have happened lately, but today I had to share my heart a few days after losing the man I thought would live forever. 

Please continue to keep all of us in your prayers - we need them. Please keep Jordan's Pop, Mark's Mama, and my sweet Nanny in your prayers as they learn to live without their spouses of over 60 years. They need comfort like no other. 

"Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and He shall sustain thee: He shall never suffer the righteous to be moved." Psalm 55:22 

"God be merciful unto us, and bless us; and cause His face to shine upon us." Pslam 67:1