Broken Hearts

I wasn't really planning on posting today. I had planned to spend the day next to the pool with my sweet girls. 

We are still out by the pool but I am working on some school work (yes, I am trying to complete my Masters degree in all the madness that is my life), and working on some blog posts. 

I have some big dreams and ambitions lately. I'm spending a lot of time in prayer over them. 

However, this week my broken heart has been playing the biggest part of my life. 

I have missed Emery more this week than most. 

I think it has set in that I'm supposed to have her at home with us and this was supposed to be such a fun summer (don't get me wrong it is going to be a great summer but...) and I was supposed to be sitting out beside the pool watching my girls play in the water while my sweet Emery napped beside me in the stroller. 

Funny how my plans are so different than God's. I've learned now, one of the hardest ways possible, that God's plans are never ours. Yes, sometimes they line up and other times it's completely different. His plans for this time in my life was all His, not mine. I could give you every detail of the plan I planned out in my mind. 

I could give you the details of how I couldn't wait to be a family of 5. My plans, not even my husband's until I convinced him that I definitely need one more baby. He obliged. And we both wound up with broken hearts.

I'm telling you I've learned so much in losing Emery. I've, also, learned that grief is so crazy. I can be completely ok one day (of course, I think of her, and of course I miss her but I am ok) and then the next day I am a blubbering mess. I try not to have breakdowns around Jordan or my girls. Yet, I have them. 

Sometimes I just feel like my world is falling apart. This week I've done so much and felt like I just kept myself busy because my heart was so broken. I want to be cuddling Emery. I want to be sitting there watching her sleep or listening to her coo. Yet, I am grieving her and visiting her in a cemetery. 

Life is so different now than I planned it. 

I'm trying to deal with it. Some days I think I deal with it better than others. 

I am so thankful for my sweet girls I have here on this earth. I am so thankful they are here with me and I am so thankful they can bring laughter and smiles on rough days. 

I am thankful for pool days and summer time to have them both home all day. I am thankful that I am still able to stay home with them. I am thankful for Jordan working, so I can do just that and stay home with them during this difficult time. I know he has hard days and he keeps going to provide for us. 

I don't wish this on anyone. I just pray I can continue to share my Emery's story. I pray the Lord will continue to allow me to give Him all the glory and share my faith and Emery's story in this hard time. 

2016 hasn't been our best year yet, but I'm hoping it will start looking up (we are halfway though the year) but surely to goodness with summer here, we can make it good. I am hopeful. 

I want to ask you to continue to pray for our family. It's been so difficult. 

For now I am going to continue listening to the laughter coming from my girls in the pool... and listening to them play family being attacked by sharks (in the pool) with an escape plan. Never a dull moment in my life around here with my girls. Once again so thankful for them! God knew what He was doing when he blessed me with my precious girls!!! (all 3 of them)

Matthew 18:5 "Whoever receives one such child in my name receives me, but whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a great millstone fastened around his neck and be drowned in the depth of the sea." 

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Thursday Confessions

I am linking up with Leigh at Balancing by Faith to share some Thursday confessions. 

1. I bought a watermelon today.... hoping for it to be seedless (it was in the seedless bin) and it was full of seeds. 

Can I just go ahead and say I am too lazy to pick out all the seeds? Therefore, I sliced it all up and put in a gallon size ziplock hoping my kiddos still eat it up. So far so good! 

2. I have a friend on Facebook who has been sharing her baby's one year birthday. She was a preemie just like Emery. She posted last night the first time she was able to hold her baby girl was at 23 days old. You guys I immediately started crying. 

I am happy for my friend and her baby. She's alive and thriving. She's beautiful and precious. 

But 23 days is permanently etched in my brain as a bad day for me. 23 days was the first time I was ever able to hold my sweet Emery, too... and it was the last and final day I was able to hold her. I held her until she took her final breaths. Oh I miss that baby girl so much! 

So, when I saw that my friend was able to hold her baby at 23 days old, too... and she was sharing a happy milestone but mine isn't so happy. 

3. I washed our car today... and it was almost embarrassing how dirty it was. And guess what? NOW it is pouring down the rain!!! I kid you not. I got the car washed and the rain poured! 

4. I got the most disturbing comment in my comment moderation last night. It has made me completely question my little blog in blog-land. (It's so inappropriate I am not even going to post the screen shot I sent my friend). 

I am looking into all kinds of things now to protect my blog and my kiddos. 

I don't want to close my blog. I had started this blog to share my journey with losing Emery. I was hoping it could help others that have or are going through the same thing we are as a family. I want to share her story. I want to share our faith through our journey. 

But when you get comments like the one I got last night, it makes you question everything. Am I doing the right thing sharing my story?! I want to continue giving God all the glory but I know He covered His face last night when He saw that comment. It was awful! 

5. I am totally enjoying our summer schedule! Maybe a little too much... I believe it was 3PM before I even took a shower and got myself ready today. Don't judge. 

6. And... our lawn care people showed up this morning to trim hedges right outside our windows! Let me tell you... it ruined my morning snooze. Makenzi & I were ready to open up the curtains and tell them to go away! 

7. We are patiently impatiently waiting on our complex to open up our pool. Come on weekend! We are ready! 

These are my confessions for the day! I have a whole list of confessions that I could probably keep on going...  it's been a week! I'm in a total funk and I need to get a lot off my chest, however, I think I should call it a day. 

Tomorrow I hope to share some of my favorite moments of the week - which includes our trip to the splash fountains downtown and the random kiddos that always seem to flock to me. (It's a trait I think I gained when I married Jordan... and now it doesn't matter where we go the crazies come out and find us... and share life stories and want to sit right next to us in a room full of empty chairs). 

What's Up Wednesday

Today I'm linking up with Shay over at Mix and Match Mama for What's Up Wednesday. 

It's been a crazy few days. We are enjoying the busyness, yet laid-back summer schedule. (Does that make any sense? Because somehow it does in my mind.) 

1. What we're eating this week.... 

Well, we have ate out all week but tonight I'm cooking - 

Monday we had Cori's Doghouse (I feel like I should run a marathon just to burn the calories from that HUGE Tennessee Dog I had) **Cori's Doghouse is a local place here in Tennessee and we love it (well, my husband and I do... my kids aren't huge fans) 

Tuesday - we had Bonfire - another local Japanese restaurant which we frequent a lot. It had been a while since we went there, so last night my oldest suggested to her Daddy that we have Bonfire for supper... so off we went. 

Tonight I am making one of the girl's favorite dishes - baked pork chops in herb and butter rice. It's a recipe that I kind of threw together one night and has been a staple ever since. 

The rest of the week is up for grabs. Who knows what I'll come up with. We are a kind of fly by the seat of our pants family in the summer time. 

2. What I'm reminiscing about...

We've been talking a lot about when the girls were babies. They love hearing stories about themselves as babies. 

We've talked about how I took the girls pacifiers away from them right at a certain age. (Both lost their pacis (or as Addison called them "pappy's") around the age 2. But I told them if their baby sister would have lived I probably would have left her take hers to college with her if she wanted. 

3. What I'm Loving... 

I'm loving spending my days with my girls. It's SUMMER! And we are enjoying every minute. 

When I lost Emery in February, I couldn't wait for summer. I didn't want to be away from my girls. If I could've legally taken Makenzi out of school for the year, I would have right then. 

We are loving spending our days together, sunshine, fun, and no schedules. Late nights, no bedtime, just being together. 

Daddy loves it as much as we do because when he gets home we don't have to immediately do bedtime. We can do whatever.

4. What we've been up to... 

Yesterday we went with Jordan and dropped him off at work, then headed to the Bicentennial Mall State Park to the fountains. The girls splashed their little hearts out - for FOUR hours! When they finished splashing, we went back to see Jordan sing a couple of songs before going home. I love being able to take the girls to fun things downtown. Nashville is amazing!!! I am so blessed to call this town home (even if we live on the outskirts of Nashville). 

5. What I'm dreading... 

The heat and humidity that comes with the summer... 

and being at the pool with Addison, when Makenzi & me want to be there and if it isn't a perfect 72 degrees she wants to be INDOORS! 

6. What I'm Excited About... 

Spending my summer days beside our pool... 

I am hoping my sweet Addison starts learning to swim like Makenzi this year. But she informed me today that she doesn't think she's going to. She said "I think I will learn when I'm Sissy's age (which is 8 years old). 

8. What I'm watching/reading..

I am reading Bobby Bones - Bare Bones. 

And Chasing God by Angie Smith. 

And I'm watching... 

The craziness that is the Bachelorette. And following along with Sheaffer on her Bachelorette recaps that make me laugh out loud every single week. 

And the series finale of Nashville which premiers tonight... and I've heard it will leave us with a BIG cliffhanger. So, here is to hoping it will get picked up by someone else. (Even though I was pretty much done with Nashville, if they leave us with a Cliffhanger I will follow it if it goes to another network)

9. What I'm Listening To... 

At this very moment... Disney channel is on while my girls rest. 

And the dryer is tumbling clothes. 

AHH... the relaxation that comes with the end of the day. 

10. What I'm Wearing... 

It is summer time... 

I'm wearing a lot of soft comfortable clothes - t-shirts and shorts, tanks and shorts. 

And lots of maxi dresses. 

easy summer style. 

11. What I'm Doing this weekend... 

A lot of nothing... spending the time poolside, and outdoors. 

Enjoying my family! 

(Well, come Sunday - Monday when Jordan is off work.) 

12. What I'm Looking Forward to Next Month... 

You guys I am going to be honest.. I am not really looking forward to anything. I don't even know what my plan is for tomorrow... so I don't know what we will do next month. We will still be in summer mode and enjoying summer. 

I know I am dreading another month without Emery - another anniversary of her being gone, another anniversary of a month birthday she should be celebrating, etc. 

I guess... I don't look forward to months. I am trying more now than ever to just be present for the moment of every day for my girls. 

13. What is New...

Not a whole lot around here... 

It's summer and we are in the summer schedule - so new this week is no alarms, no schedule, and no bedtimes. Love this time of year (for that reason only)... 

14. What am I looking forward to this summer... 

Spending the days outside by our pool or downtown at the splash pad... and a lot of family time! I am so excited. I've been excited for weeks now! 

That's what's up this Wednesday! 

Yesterday - there was a gorgeous pink sunset after we left from dinner. I had a wonderful day and when I looked out and saw the beautiful sight of the sunset I smiled. I know my sweet girl was telling me it's ok to have a good day and that she is ok. (She shows up on my bad days, too) But I know yesterday she was showing up to tell me, "Mama, it's ok for you to have a good day and enjoy being with my sisters." God knows what I need when I need it, ALWAYS! 

Goodbye, 2nd Grade

Another year has come and gone... Just like that! 

Makenzi Grace McCants just completed 2nd grade today. 

She had awards day the other day and came out with Honor Roll (all A's and B's) for the entire year - with 2 semesters having Principals List (all A's on her report card). She has done amazingly well considering our circumstances. I told her how proud I was of her. She has gone through more than most adults have to go through at 7 & 8 years old and still kept her grades up. 

We laughed as I came to take a picture of her after her awards because they had misspelled her name. She's only gone to the same school for 4 years. So, she investigated it and then she covered up the "e" in her name and we took another picture. I love how it shows her personality. She is so full of life. She is so happy. She makes this Mama smile so much. 

She had two teachers this year for a team teaching class. One of her teachers wasn't there but Mrs. Murphy was on this day. Mrs. Murphy even commented on how much she had grown over the school year. She has grown leaps and bounds through the year. I need her to slow down just a little. 

And of course - we had to take a sister picture! These two are the BEST of friends!!! The best of friends! Addison is as excited as Makenzi that school is out for the summer. I can't wait to spend my days with these girls! Summer is for sure our favorite time of year. 

And today - on the last day of school I took a picture to do a comparison from the beginning of the year! OH MY! Look at my baby... she's grown so much! And notice the hairstyle - Makenzi Grace has one hairstyle only - it's a PONYTAIL. I never want to forget this ponytail face... and the beautiful fresh face she has at 7am as we head to school. 

With it being the last day of school, I decided it would be fun to pick her up early since they can't really say anything about it now - on the last day of school. When she got to the front office, she ran and jumped in my arms and said "It IS SUMMER!!!!" So, it's official School is out for the SUMMER and we are three happy girls! It's time for pool days, late night, and no alarms! We are ready! 

Makenzi Grace, this year has been a crazy year! I am so proud of how you handled it! You handled it with such grace. You handled changing classes right at the beginning of school, you handled Mama getting pregnant, Mama being in and out of the hospital, having a very sick baby sister, and losing your baby sister. All of these things are hard for even your Mama to handle, but you have been strong. You have shed tears and we have held each other up. But at the end of the day we are smiling. I am so excited for our summer together! I can't wait to spend all day every day with you and your sister! I can't believe when you start back school you will be in the 3rd grade. It's not possible. But, I am praying you have a great summer and next year is much less eventful for you! You got this sweet girl! I love you more than I can ever even really tell you! Love, Mama 

Click For Hope

I had the opportunity to share my story and have professional photos made this week. 

#Clickforhope shares inspiring stories of all different things. I was so excited to share my story of my sweet Emery and my faithfulness in the Lord through it all. In sharing our story, we were offered a free photo shoot. 

The girl who runs #Clickforhope asked me if I would like to have anyone in the pictures with me. I decided it was the perfect opportunity for me to have family pictures made. 

My girls looked beautiful. I put them in their mint Easter dresses, that are lacy and free. They looked precious. I did each of their hair just like they wanted it - Addison wanted hers curled and Makenzi wanted hers in a side ponytail with a braid. She got some beautiful shots of the girls. I can't wait to see the end results. 

We drove to this beautiful park in Franklin, TN - The Park at Harlinsdale Farm. It was gorgeous. When we pulled into it, I knew we were in a perfect setting. 

She snapped shots of the girls, some of the girls and me, some of the girls and Jordan, some of us as a family, some of Jordan and me, and some of just me. Then... she wanted to snap pics of my bracelets that had all my girls names on it and a butterfly. She snapped one of just my hand with the bracelets and then a few of Jordan and me holding hands where you could see the bracelets. I can't wait to share these pics with you guys. It will be something special and something I will treasure forever. 

I will share with you the link when she posts my story on her blog. I want to share my story and share my Emery forever. I want to be there for people who are going through the same things I am. I want to bring people to love the Lord through my sweet girl. I fully trust in Him that He sent her for a specific purpose and she fulfilled it while she was here but now it's my job to continue what she did while she was here - bring people to the Lord, and bring people to their knees in prayer!

Sunday

I wanted to just remember these beautiful pictures of the girls - 

I bought them super cheap dresses from Walmart on Friday. I am a BIG bargain shopper and these fit the bill of bargain and oh my... they were beautiful - especially on my precious girls! Addison is even on a bow kick right now and is letting me put big bows in her hair again! Praise the Lord! It sure makes this Mama happy to see bright, beautiful bows in their hair! 

I needed to jump in for one quick pic with them! These sweet girls are my world. I sure wish I had Emery to add to the mix. I need her here so bad. Sunday while in church tears came to my eyes because I was honestly thinking if she had made it to her due date, I would be sitting in church holding her. Oh I miss her!!! I wish so much I had a bright dress to put on her and a BIG bow on her perfect little head! My smile would be much bigger if I had my sweet baby girl to love on. 

I missed her so bad on Sunday that I asked Jordan at lunch if he could take me to the cemetery after lunch. He always agrees. He misses her just like I do. Seeing her name on a stone is not how I pictured our life together, but I love seeing her precious stone. It's comforting to me in some weird way. 

We came back home and played outside! (Addison was napping with her Pa Mark, like she does most Sundays). But Makenzi played with all her new Barbie stuff outside. She looks so grown up. It makes me sad. Since when did she turn eight - I'm supposed to still be rocking and cuddling her like a baby. It literally feels like yesterday! 

Addison napped with Pa Mark all day, but after Sissy went to bed she cuddled with me and watched Little Big Shots. She reached over and grabbed my hand. She was holding my hand and it was so sweet. She will hold your hand until hers starts to sweat. LOL! 

My weekend was full, and so is my heart! I love that my family can all be together and just enjoy each other. We can support each other. We can just love and our love language is all quality time together! :-) 

Saturday Downtown

After we rested, Beeg came to pick us up to head downtown to see Jordan for a little while. 

I love taking the girls downtown to see their Daddy. They get so proud. Bella was able to go see her Uncle Jordan for the first time. She was so happy. She heard him do one song and gave him a thumbs up, then blew him a kiss. It was absolutely precious! 

We snagged a table and ate while he did his thing on the stage. Tables are hard to come by on a Saturday afternoon at Rippy's. 

Makenzi sang Chicken Fried with him like she always do. She just beams when she's able to be on stage with him. Bella stood up there beside them, too. I think she may have sang some, too. They each got a couple of dollars from a lady in Rippy's. They were so proud of their tips!

I want you guys to take a listen to this video! Jordan sang Girl Crush for Makenzi. She asked him if he could do a girl song. He said the only girl song he knew was Girl Crush but he never does it. Well, he BLEW me and I believe everyone else away. When I told him how awesome it was, he was so excited. He said he hears it from everyone else but not me often. LOL! I think he is the best singer ever, but I have heard all of the songs he does a lot. And I know I should probably compliment him more. But... when he did Girl Crush, it was amazing!!!! AMAZING!!! You just need to listen. 

It brought us all back to the time when I fell in love with the voice. My brother came to visit me and brought this CD of this guy he was hanging out with all the time. He wanted me to listen to it. He knew I would love him. I don't think he really intended for me to fall madly in love with him, marry him, have three kids by him, and still be on this ride with him... but so is life! I don't think he minds too much considering he did introduce the two of us and ever since then we've been pretty much inseparable.  I claimed Jordan McCants long before he was even technically mine. I carried this boombox around with me the night my brother introduced me to the CD all night long. I listened to his CD for weeks on end, on repeat. I was in love with the voice (I had seen his picture, too and was smitten but the voice drew me way in).  (Another story of Skye and Jordan - he claimed me, too. He told a girl he was dating at the time after just seeing a picture of me on MySpace that if he was to ever settle down and marry anyone, it would be me. HA!) We were meant to be. 

We ate dinner at Martin's BBQ back home. We enjoyed hanging out with my brother a little while longer and with Bella. My brother is all about some selfies of the group. I know exactly what he is getting for Christmas - a selfie stick! :-)

After dinner, Makenzi had birthday money that was burning a hole in her pocket... so off to Target we went. Yes, she spent $140 on all things Barbie! As you can tell, she was excited but so was Addison!!! The best thing about these sisters is they play everything together, so they have 2 birthdays a year and Christmas is amazing! They share EVERYTHING! It melts me. 

 It was a busy... fun... Saturday! I can't wait until it's Summer time (4 more days) and we have way more fun times like this. I love the routine of no schedule and just the running around doing whatever we want to do. 

THE SLEEPOVER

Makenzi's birthday was while we were at Cory's graduation in Georgia. I normally give her a big party and invite most of her class. We have it at the park. But with all we've had going on and her wanting a party right away, I didn't have time to get a big part together. She settled on having her very first sleepover. Let me tell you - she was thrilled!!! She talked about it all week. 

I invited two of her very best friends and only one could come but the other brought her a gift by one day. Her cousin Bella came, too... to be in with all the girls and keep Addison company. 

We had four squealing girls in our house Friday night. It was kind of priceless (and kind of like a headache). I wouldn't trade all those giggles for anything (well, maybe a spotless house... or maybe, next time I say we have the slumber party at a hotel instead of my house.. ha). 

Here the girls are - all ready to get the party started - just waiting on Maizie. Oh how I wish my niece, Bella, had a personality. ;-) 

Always room for Oreos at a slumber party - even if they are before dinner. Aunt Skye/Mama for the win! I try to be the "cool" one. HA! 

I thought it'd be a great idea to make our own pizzas. The girls were thrilled. They didn't eat very much of their pizzas but they loved making their own pizzas. 

Here they are waiting for their picnic in the floor - and all attempting to be as flexible as Maizie. 

We played outside, rode bikes, and ran some energy off.... before I gave them cupcakes. HA! 

Bella dropped her cupcake... and stepped in. Then asked me "Aunt Skye, can I still eat it?" HA! I washed her hands but not her feet... oh well, you only live once. So you eat icing off your toes. 

These two are inseparable!! The best of friends and always together. If they get quiet, you better find them, it's trouble brewing or they are cuddled watching the ipad. :-) 

Addison was the first one to fall asleep Friday night (at 10:30) but she just took a nap and off she ran with the girls until 1am. 

KK got Makenzi a make up crayon for her birthday. Well, they wasted the whole entire crayon that night. HA!!!! They made themselves Zombies and loved scaring Jordan and me. We got quite the laugh out of it and well, it took me about 30 minutes or longer to get them all cleaned up. It really took a good bath to get all of it off. 

At 1AM.... they all crashed out!!! Hallelujah! I went and crawled in my bed for a few hours. 

By 6am they were wide awake and running wide open again. 

They played until lunch time when Maizie went home. Bella stayed most of the day with us. 

As soon as Maizie left, we got long baths to get cleaned up... put on fresh clothes. And we all took naps! AHHHHH!!!!

It was quite the time!! The girls had a blast. I had fun hosting the party. It was as much work as a big party, but I loved watching my girls have a blast for more than just a couple hours. It was fun! But... we aren't having a slumber party at our house for a few months. I need to recuperate. 

I'm so thankful for some laughter in my house! It makes me so happy to hear my girls laugh and have fun with friends. As tough as our lives are right now, to hear my family laughing and having fun makes me smile. God sure is holding us up and giving us plenty to be happy about!