I dreaded this day all week. Even yesterday was rough because I relived losing my sweet Emery and all the time leading up to it. Every time I closed my eyes I could see her sick little body, and how the oscillator machine would vibrate her body. I could see how her color went from pink to a bluish gray. I could see the swelling. I could see everything in the NICU around her. I miss her sweet soul so much! She captivated everyone around her. The nurses cried with me as I was watching my sweet baby girl fight her last fight on this Earth. I won't ever forget her and I won't ever forget all the people who helped try to save her.
But with all of that said - on the day she had been in heaven for a month I woke up after I had only slept for 3 hours and talked with Jordan. We both talked about her. He wanted to just get a punching bag and punch it. It would just make him feel better. I cried and told him I didn't think anything would make me feel better. He apologized to me. I told him it's not his fault. Lord knows it is no one's fault. That's just what happened. But he knows how hurt I am as a mother. I want to love on her here on this Earth, selfishly. I want to show her everything I've showed our big girls. God had different plans, but I know with all my heart my girl knows how much she was loved and is still loved so very much.
I was dreading getting up to get my day started, but knew it was getting time to take Makenzi to school. So, I turned my alarm off and noticed I had a few notifications on Facebook (that mind you I have thought hard about deactivating lately because it just depresses me). I pulled it up and the first picture that was up was of the sunrise!!! Look at all of that pink. My girl was shining through clear this morning. God knew her Mama needed to see her shining through so much on the one month anniversary of her passing. I was struggling but I had many tags and text messages and Facebook messages showing me the beautiful pink sunrise. People telling me they were telling Emery Hope "hi" on their drive to work. They don't even know how much that meant to me.
One of my best friends from church who has been my angel on Earth, Cathy, sent me pictures of the sunrise and in her text reminded me how Emery is still doing her work making everyone look to the heavens. In one of her texts she said "Your girl is painting masterpieces until you can be with her again. #eyestotheheavens #Emerydiditagain" Oh my girl, she is still changing lives every day!
Just a little note - there have been so many pink sunrises and pink sunsets since her passing. I don't think that's a coincidence at all. I believe fully that God is giving me signs that my sweet girl is right there with him and doing just fine.
I saw this beautiful quote while I was scrolling through Facebook this afternoon before I left to pick up Makenzi from school. As hard as this may be, I know my answer is "Trust Me." That is just what I am doing. Don't get me wrong I have such hard days that it doesn't bring me much comfort that she is in heaven. I am human and I am selfish. I want her here with me and I want to love her forever and watch her grow up. But... I do trust God's plan is bigger and better than mine, so he took her home for a reason. I just have to trust that. And I am forever grateful that I was chosen to be Emery Hope's Mama and that I have the chance to spend eternity with her even if my time on this earth may feel long it won't be compared to the eternity I will be able to spend with her.
After school, we just needed to stay busy. It helps me when I can stay busy with my big girls and Jordan. We had a sweet friend and her LifeGroup give us a gift card to a local nail salon. I thought this rainy afternoon would be perfect. Makenzi got her very first pedicure. She sat down in the pink butterfly chair and looked up at me and smiled the biggest smile. The lady finished painting Addison's nails (she refused to sit in the butterfly chair and get a pedicure - she said she didn't need anyone tickling her feet - haha) and started working on Makenzi. Makenzi looked up at me and was still smiling and said "I love you so much, Mama!" Oh that was worth it all to be there with Addison and her. I couldn't help but think about how much Emery would have loved being in the nail salon one day as much as she loved having her toes and feet rubbed, she would've been in heaven in the nail salon. I do know our sweet Emery was hanging out with us today.
We came home from the nail salon to pick up Daddy (he didn't want to go get his nails done) so we could go to Target to play in the toy aisle. Yes, that is at least a weekly thing for us. No, we don't buy anything. We just go hang out in the toys. If you ever see us in Target, just say hi... that is just what we do - hang out in the toys. You would think we have no toys at home. ;-)
We left there to go eat at O'Charley's because I had told Jordan earlier in the day that I just didn't want to spend the time in the kitchen today. I needed mindless activity and just hanging out with my family out. So, that's exactly what we did. He's pretty good like that taking care of me. We ate our supper and most know that Addison is still struggling with pneumonia recovery. She didn't eat and laid down in the booth. We had just done to much for her today. So, we came home to do baths and let her rest.
I headed back out for a little while and in my time out I wanted to run by LifeWay Christian BookStore to get a couple more Angie Smith books after reading her book "I Will Carry You." I found the ones I wanted - "What Women Fear" and "Seamless" and as I was walking to the check out they had a rack of tumbler cups on sale. I looked at the rack and there staring me in the face was ONE cup... PINK, with the word HOPE on it. Yes, it came home with me. It was another one of those signs God allows me to see. It had a bible verse on it, too.
"but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31
Yes, I've cried some tears today. Yes, my morning was rough. But all in all God held me up today and I made it through with more smiles than tears. I don't know when I'll make it through a day when I don't cry and I don't expect one any time soon. I miss my girl deeply and love her so much. I will continue to tell her story and our story. We will get through this.
It won't be easy, it will be hard.
Thank you for following along with us on this journey. Thank you for continuing to pray for us. Thank you for sending me encouraging messages. Thank you for sending me pictures of sunsets, sunrises, butterflies, rainbows... anything you think you see my girl in makes me happy. I love sharing her with you when you are having a bad day, I HOPE she shows up! :-) I love you all for all you have done for my family and me. We are forever grateful.
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