I had a friend of mine share the following link on grief anniversaries. It says exactly what I am feeling. Wednesday's will forever be a hard day for me. I will always think about every minute detail of the Wednesday I said goodbye to my precious baby girl.
Let me share something silly - I keep Bath and Body Works wallflowers plugged into plugs in every room in our apartment. It makes the house just smell so pleasant and just smells like HOME to us. Well, the one I have plugged into our bathroom is called Endless Weekend. I wear the lotion and body spray quite frequently in the summer time. I had the travel size ones in my hospital bag that I kept packed because I stayed in the hospital A LOT through my pregnancy. So, every time I smell that scent now it brings back memories. It is like a trigger.
I think it's time for a new scent. As much as I loved the smell of it, it's way too hard for me to have a smell bring back horrible memories. Not all of them are horrible... some of them are the day after I had her and how good I felt. I really honestly felt like God had blessed me. I felt He had let me carry Emery as far as my body would allow, and He was going to save her. I felt so strongly about this I spoke it a lot.
What is it? Try to make plans above God's. I guess He showed me His true plan even though I was making His plans for Him.
Do I think He did this to punish me? NO!
Do I think I should have prayed harder? Sometimes. But I prayed more in my pregnancy with Emery and after I had her than I had probably prayed in my entire life. So, maybe that was His plan. To bring me closer to Him... to have me bring Him the glory even in this difficult time.
I will never know the true reason as to why.
This song is perfect -
"My only shelter from the storm;
But instead I draw closer through these times;
So I pray
Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain"
I will share this, too - I knew something was wrong from the moment I found out I was pregnant. That's strange to me - it was like God was talking to me. I don't believe I've ever really shared this fact with anyone. I just kept hearing in my head "You won't ever be able to keep her" but I ignored it. I thought it was the Devil. Now I'm wondering.... was it God? Was He preparing me for the worst?
I had trouble from the moment I got pregnant with Emery - I was so sick with morning sickness I had dehydrated multiple times, I bled more than I think I've ever bled in my life, I felt miserable. It was not an exciting pregnancy. I couldn't wait to have her and love her and she was what I wanted - my 3rd baby that I had to convince Jordan I needed. :-)
Jordan will even tell you the night I had her, he saw the life come back in me. He saw his wife come back to my normal state, not the crazy state I had been in while I was pregnant. The pregnancy made me crazy and I think the worry I had thinking something was wrong made my craziness even worse.
It was a crazy time. It was a hard time. But you know what? Even though Wednesday's are terribly hard - I miss her and the hurt I have from missing her and grieving her isn't just emotional - it's physical (I can feel it all over my being) - I am so blessed that she was mine & I was able to touch her, love her, and interact with her and know her sweet spirit for 23 days.
She responded to her Mama so much. I could talk to her and watch those eyes open. I won't ever forget me standing behind her talking and Jordan in front of her and him telling me she was trying to move her head and eyes back because she knew that's where I was and she couldn't see me or move because of the ventilator.
She loved to have her toes rubbed - that girl would spread her toes out and reach for your fingers if you touched her feet or even got near them. I can still remember watching her sats improve by touching her feet. People that know me well know I DO NOT LIKE FEET but Emery's feet - they are my comfort now. I wear a bracelet daily with her FEET on it... and when I'm having a hard time I reach down and rub her toes! Amazing how what brought her comfort is now bringing her Mama comfort.
I love reading the book of Job right now. In a lot of ways I can relate to him... in all that he went through he still hopes in God. I do... I trust HIM more now than I ever have. I know He is my strength when I am weak. I know He is guiding me daily, especially on days I feel like I can't go on. He helps me go on. As hard as Wednesday's are - I thank Him for another day. Another day to be with my sweet girls and husband.... another day to Praise Him... another day to just go on knowing I have the best guardian angel and HIM on my side forever.
"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 147:3
"This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24
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