I Should Have a Newborn At Home...

I am struggling this week - like a lot of weeks, but this week is hard! 

I should be home.... enjoying all the things that come with a newborn. I should be cuddling her, enjoying life as a Mama to three baby girls. 

But I am not. 

My sweet Emery went to be with Jesus 3 months ago tomorrow. Oh sweet girl, I miss you more than I can ever describe to anyone. 

I saw this post on Facebook last night and it is so true. I put on a strong face all day every day. I try to be strong for everyone. I try not to have a mental or emotional breakdown in front of anyone. It's hard. I am mentally and physically exhausted. It's a hard thing, this grief I have. 

I just go through my days. I wish so much my sweet girl was still with me. I wish she had stayed inside my tummy until her due date like Makenzi and Addison did. I wish even if she hadn't stayed inside that we were preparing on leaving the NICU. I wanted her so much! I wanted a third kid so bad that I knew before I even had Addison that I wanted one. Why couldn't I keep her?! 

On the way to school this morning, I could see Makenzi's wheels turning. I looked at her and she had watery eyes. I knew what was coming. She asked me "Mama, it should be time for Emery to be here shouldn't it?" With tears in my eyes, I answered her "Yes, baby it should." She said "would you be home from the hospital or would you still in the hospital with her?" I said "I would probably be home from the hospital already with her." She just quietly sat there and thought. Bless my sweet Makenzi! She wanted her baby sister as bad as I did. She has handled this like a champ, but some days she has hard days, too. 

When she got home from school, I went through her folder and agenda like I always do and I found this - 

She had written Emery Hope's birthday on there when the doctors told us the due date (which I knew all along was wrong). She was so excited that her due date was so close to her birthday. But today...she added a little flare. She drew a picture of Emery and Jesus. Oh my heart!!!! I love that girl... I love her love for Jesus....I love that she knows her sister is safe in the arms of the Lord... but man, I wish my sweet babies didn't have to endure this pain. I just pray they cling to HIM and know He's always with them... I pray they know they can always come to me with their tears and their heart break because though I may cry, I will always be there for them. 

Makenzi and Addison ran to their bedroom to play with their new Barbie bunk bed as soon as they got home. I sat down to do my bible study. I am doing Beth Moore's Breaking Free bible study. When I opened up to this week, it was "Binding the Broken Hearted." I had tears in my eyes. The week I need to know he can bind my broken heart the most is when I am studying how He does it. He is always right on time. I may not understand, and I may have a million questions, but He is a right on time God. And he promises me He will never forsake me. 

My girls are my reason to get up and go everyday. (Jordan, too, of course!) But, having my girls so close to me and their smiles and laughter keeps me going. I am fortunate and very thankful that Emery was my third baby girl. I don't think it's easier to lose one regardless, but I do still have my big girls who still can put a smile on my face. They still let me be their Mama. Even on my bad days, they whisper "I love you's" and "you're the best Mama ever!" They help me more than they'll ever even know. 

I knew coming close to due date... coming close to when I was supposed to have my sweet girl home...was going to be hard on me. I am trying. But some days, I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. I ask you to please continue to keep me in your prayers through the next few days and weeks. I am trying. I have been so strong for so long and I feel I am breaking down. 

You have all been amazing in my journey. 

And I know I am never alone. My Lord is always with me. He hasn't left my side once in all of this journey and I know He isn't planning on leaving me. 

Isaiah 61:1 "...he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted..."