We Have A Stone

I have such mixed emotions about this. 

Emery now has a stone out at her spot in the cemetery. 

In a lot of ways in brings me ultimate comfort. It is such a beautiful memorial to my sweet girl. And then in other ways, it is just another reminder that my sweet girl doesn't get to grow up here on this earth with me. 

I miss her with every fiber of my being. 

I wish she was still in my belly like she is supposed to be. I wish even if she wasn't in my belly she was still in the NICU. But... that's not the reality of our life. She's in heaven walking the streets of gold with Jesus. 

She's got the better life I guess. I just wish I was able to have her here. I am selfish. But you know what? I know God is ok with that. I am human and He knows that. 

I was doing my bible study today and it was one that I need a lot in this time in my life. The bible study talked about experiencing God's presence. 

I have felt His presence more than I probably ever have in my pregnancy, Emery's short life, and NOW grieving her. You guys, there are days I feel I can't even get up to do anything... I know for a fact it's HIM carrying me through. 

My bible study today said "Christ does not always immediately calm the storm, but He is always willing to calm His child on the basis of His presence." I've felt that calm. I've felt that presence. Now.. don't get me wrong.. I cry A LOT. I miss her so much! But I know He has me. He promised He would never leave me or forsake me. And I believe that 100%. 

Another part of my bible study today talked about how God doesn't always bring physical healing. "Sometimes He heals physical sicknesses and sometimes He chooses greater glory through illness." That is exactly what He did with Emery. We are still giving Him the glory, but He chose to give her healing in Heaven not here on this Earth. 

Some days I am ok with that and other days, I'll be honest with you, I am flat out mad about it. I can see other people's posts on Facebook or wherever of these babies that have dealt with what Emery did and God has answered their prayers. I wonder why?! I wonder why me? Why my baby? It's a hard fine line. 

Isaiah 43:2 "When you pass through waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire, you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you." 

God doesn't promise us there won't be hard times... He just says He will always be with us. 

Isaiah 40:31 "but those who HOPE in the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint." 

Those two bible verses in Isaiah have brought me some comfort through all of this. He is always with me. He is always with me even when I'm mad at Him. He is ok with me even when I am broken hearted because she isn't here. He hasn't left me yet. He just continues to throw scripture out at me when I'm reading to calm me. He continues to carry me through my days when I don't know if I can get up and go. 

I am so thankful for my Lord! I am so thankful of the promise that I get to see my sweet Emery again one day.

So, this stone... it's precious to me. It really defines her. Her tiny feet were my favorite part of her and to have a little poem on her stone about how her though her time here on this Earth was short, she left such an impact on all of us! Emery Hope, you are one amazing baby girl. 

The girls were so proud of their sister's stone. They loved it. They shouldn't have to be visiting their sister in a cemetery but they enjoy it. And now that there is a stone out there, it makes them so happy. They kept telling me how beautiful it was and how perfect it was for her. Makenzi even kissed it before we left and told her we would see her again soon. (We are going this weekend to take her some flowers for her vase... when I get home from my church retreat.) 

Jordan & I wanted our names on her stone. I asked them just place our names on the back stating she was the "Daughter of Jordan and Skye McCants." They sent me this image they wanted to put on the back and I was blown away. It is absolutely gorgeous!!! 

Since feet were our thing with Emery- we sat down in front of her headstone and put our feet up against it. My girls feet up against her stone just brought tears to my eyes and a smile to my face. My girls love their sister more than life. 

And butterflies are our thing with Emery, too. She was in the butterfly room in the NICU, and Makenzi always drew her butterflies when drawing her pictures so it has kind of stuck. I had them put butterflies on her headstone. They turned out absolutely perfect!!! 

So, in a lot of ways just seeing a stone out there with her precious name on it brings me comfort. I don't feel so empty when I'm sitting out there. When I went out there Monday, I rubbed my fingers over every single engraving on her stone as I was talking to her and crying. (Yes, I talk to her when I am out there.)  It really did make us all feel better seeing a stone with her name on it. It's final, yes, but she now has a beautiful memorial.