Decorations

Sunday afternoon we went out to the cemetery to decorate Emery's headstone. 

I am so glad it is finally out there and I couldn't wait to get flowers on it. 

I've made it known that I want to be the one who gets the flowers to put on her headstone and I am the one who decorates it. I don't get to dress her or put pretty bows in her hair or do those things that I've always wanted to do with my 3rd baby girl, so I am going to decorate that headstone like I would dress her up. 

I saw some headstones all throughout the cemetery and I kept seeing these bright purple and yellow flowers. I knew I wanted to do something like that for Emery. They were so gorgeous. They were so bright. They just looked great. 

I went to JoAnn's here in town and found the perfect yellow flowers. My purple flowers didn't come as easily, but when I found them and placed them beside the yellow I knew that was it. 

I sat down right in front of her stone. We all cleaned it with a wipe. (Yes, I am cleaning my baby's headstone. I want it perfect all the time). Then Jordan helped me measure the cone to put it in the vase and he started cutting the flowers off the plastic stem so I could place them in the foam. It was team work. 

After we had it decorated we took a family picture around the stone. Oh, you guys, we had big smiles on our faces... and now looking at the pictures I have tears in my eyes. It was not the family picture I dreamed of when I kept pestering Jordan for a 3rd baby. But, so is life. We have family pictures with the actual Emery on the day she passed away and now we have family pictures with her headstone as the center. 

Emery Hope is so loved and so missed!

Jordan told me while we were placing the decorations in the vase that he is so glad I went to get the flowers. He said he had thought about going to getting them while I was away on my retreat so I could have them when I got back to just go decorate. He said he would have bought real flowers and wouldn't have even thought about the silk flowers like I got. Bless him! We have beautiful silk flowers out there now. And now he knows, that if he does go buy them for me to go decorate her stone with he will get silk flowers. 

Addison reminds me a lot that I do still have my baby, she's just in heaven and she is always in my heart. I want that child like faith. I want to be just like her. I want to be completely at ease with not having Emery. I want to feel that closeness to Emery, to Jesus, to God like Addison seems to have. 

I've talked about this some, but I think children have a direct link to God. I love listening to Addison talk about Emery and talking about where she is and talking about how Emery will always be in her heart. That girl is my light on a dark day. She can make me smile even when I'm in tears. She tells me all the time "Baby Emery is in heaven, Mama. We will see her again. We just need to keep her in our hearts until then." 

Wait a minute - who is the adult here? HA! She's such a light! I'm telling you these little children have such a direct connection with God that I know that's why she is more at ease with her sister being in heaven than any of us. 

I know Emery is in heaven. I know I will see her again one day. I know she's watching over me. I know there are days she smiles at the things we do. I know she smiles while I am out there cleaning an outdoor headstone off with a baby wipe making sure it looks PERFECT. I know she smiles as we all run around playing outside laughing. I know she knows I am making it day by day. I know she doesn't want me to cry, and I know she knows how much she is loved. BUT oh my goodness..... some days are just hard! I want her HERE... right here beside me... right in my arms. 

As we get closer to her due date... I am struggling with this more! I see pregnant women and I cry... I see newborns and I cry... I am supposed to be in my last days of pregnancy, they are supposed to have me scheduled for my c-section, I am supposed to be about to meet her and love her forever. But... I am grieving that sweet girl. However, I am so thankful God gave me 23 days to love her and study her every single trait and memorize them. 

For now, I will take my family pictures... with the headstone as the center. She is forever in our hearts, forever in our conversations, forever in our thoughts. She is so well loved I can't even describe it. I can't wait to keep decorating this headstone. I have so many images of things I can do for each holiday, season, etc. I will make sure it's beautiful all the time! 

Psalm 119:49-50 "Remember your word to your servant, in which you have made me hope. This is my comfort in affliction, that your promise gives me life."