Due Date

According to my calculations, today should be due date. My doctor had the due date off by one week... I think this was one of my signs that something was wrong. Emery had an extremely high heart rate (which they told me not to worry about, but it was HIGH) and she was measuring a week behind according to my calculations. 

I had been way too sick for me to be as early as they thought I was at the doctor. 

I fought with that the whole pregnancy... I knew I was farther along than they were willing to admit. I heard so many different things - some nurses would say it's better to go by my calculations of my timing and others said the ultrasound was the most accurate. It was frustrating. 

My 20 week ultrasound at the doctor's office showed what I had calculated as a due date. She was measuring at what they thought was one week ahead and I was thinking "she's right on schedule." I told my ultrasound tech and she said that my doctor may change my due date based on the measurement of Emery and based on what I was telling her about my timing.

But.... we never were able to have that conversation. I didn't realize I was so close to the end then. I was in and out of the hospital.... over and over again over the next few weeks. I had to move to a high risk doctor, which was a blessing! I wish I had the high risk doctor all along. Even though, he could never find a reasoning as to what was happening... he had a pretty good idea.  

So, this month has really been hard for me. I see so many pregnant women who look as though they are about to meet their babies, I see newborn babies, I see them everywhere... and I long for mine. My heart aches, like it is a physical pain I don't believe I've ever experienced until now, and my arms ache. I want to hold Emery so bad. I want to nurse her. I want to be up all night long with her. I want to hear her cry. All the I wants in the world won't bring her back. 

God's plan! Y'all, as hard as it is... it's better than mine. 

I talked with a friend and with Jordan yesterday about how I felt like I was dying when I was pregnant with her. Jordan even said last night "we laugh about it but we probably don't even realize how close you really were to death." And as I was talking with my friend about how close I felt to death, we talked about God's plan again... He saved me. No, I don't understand it. I really put my trust into Him saving both Emery and me. 

I even said the words "He brought me this far. He let my body carry her as long as He knew it could without me dying and now He's going to bring her through this." 

But... it didn't happen that way. 

Yes, it breaks my heart I don't have my sweet girl here with me. But she's in heaven... and like the article I read last night said she never has to experience the hardships of life and she immediately was able to get what we all live for - heaven!

I wrote most of this last night and I struggled with what to say. I couldn't finish it.

Today, I have finally sat down. I kept Makenzi home from school today, to just rest and relax. I needed it and so did she - even if Addison and her have fought all day long. :-)

I miss my sweet Emery Hope! I so wish daily that we would've made it to her due date to welcome her into our family. We should be enjoying the fun newborn stage right now... all fighting over who is going to hold that sweet girl. But we are missing her something fierce! We will see her again one day and I am so hopeful of that! I dream of heaven with my sweet girl & Jesus.

Until then... I will live my life with my husband and sweet girls with the hopeful future of heaven waiting for us.