Letting Go And Letting God

On Thursday afternoon I left for our church retreat in Franklin, KY at Oasis Christian Retreat Center. 

It was an absolutely wonderful weekend. A much needed get away for me, from the reality of the world.... the busyness of all the things I do. I am Mama and I do all for everyone - literally. Before I left for the weekend, I left Jordan bath clothes laid out for the girls, clothes for them to wear the next day, hair ties, brush, detangle spray, snacks, etc. I wanted to make sure they were taken care of and he was, too. 

I am not used to being away from all my people. If I am away from the girls, Jordan is with me.... if I am away from Jordan, the girls are with me. I have never taken a weekend to be with just myself. 

And not just with myself... I took my mother-in-law, Terri, with me. We both needed the break from the reality of our lives and time with God. 

When we got there Friday afternoon, we got the keys to our lodge rooms and went to check it out. We had a cute little room for the weekend. The girls laughed at me for getting a lodge room and not staying in the dorm - ha. I enjoyed my nice little lodge room though. I'm just not a dorm girl - but I do love all my girls in the dorm. :-) 

We had a big supper... and then it was time for worship and a session with our speaker, Shelley Morrow. When we were walking back to our worship session, I looked over and there was my sweet girl shining through in the sunset. 

Our speaker was speaking on Letting Go and Letting God. It was an amazing time. She told us we needed to let go and let God handle the things he said he would. We had a small skit at the beginning of our time to introduce our theme. It was said that no matter what our "baggage" is, we don't have to carry it alone. God has always said He will help us. 

He has helped me so much through my loss of Emery, I know this is for sure true. 

We enjoyed some time of fellowship before we headed to bed. 

Friday morning came bright and early for me. Breakfast, a session with Shelley, and some quiet time. 

I think my quiet time was my favorite part of the weekend. I studied His word by myself with Terri beside me. I prayed and I like to journal my prayers a lot. So, I wrote down a prayer of surrender... asking God to help me let go of some things I need to let go of, asking Him to continue to work on healing me from losing Emery, asking Him to keep carrying me. (Check out the view of my quiet time)

We had lunch and then an afternoon of free time. Terri and I sat and talked for a long time. It was so enjoyable. We don't get to sit and talk for hours without someone interrupting us. We mainly talked about our quiet time, our sessions, even some bible verses that we had both been thinking about how hurtful people have used them that we had never thought about before. I'm going to share a few with you - 

I follow pages I probably shouldn't but I do. I see people share bible verses all the time about how God answers their prayers. I believe with all my heart He does. But as hurtful as it is, He answered mine, too. 

Matthew 21:22 "And whatever you ask in prayer, you will receive, if you have faith." 

Let me ask you this - do you think I didn't have faith? I had all the faith in the world that God was going to bring my Emery through it. I asked more prayers in her short 23 days than I probably ever have in my life. And whatever I asked - He answered. Did I get the earthly answer I wanted? NO WAY! Did I get the heavenly answer? YES I DID! He healed my Emery, He made her happy, He made her not hurt, He made her not cry, He took her HOME. 

I didn't get the earthly healing I desired for so much! I still wish I had her here with me... but that wasn't His plan. But it hurts me to see people use these bible verses in their happy times... would you use them if you had times like me? I firmly believe without a doubt that God answered my prayers and He knows I have the faith. So, if you had something like losing a child happen, that you had prayed so hard for, would you use the same bible verse? Would you see it like I do - that he did ultimately answer the prayers I prayed? 

Do NOT get me wrong... there are days I struggle with the answer to my prayer. But.... I know He answered it. It just wasn't what I wanted. I want to pitch a 2 year old fit some days that I didn't get to keep Emery. 

After quiet time, it was supper time. Y'all, I feel like all I did was eat while I was there. I'm even struggling today... I feel like I need a detox from eating. HA! I don't eat like that. 

We went back to our room to get our coats because after our nightly session we were going to be outside for a while. When we were walking back to worship, the most electric sunset happened. I wish pictures did it justice. It was pink, purple, blue, and so BRIGHT! Terri had me snapping pictures in a million different directions. It was beautiful! Oh my sweet girl!! 

We had our session with Shelley, where we surrendered our things we needed to let go. We wrote down some of the things we need to let go of - anger, resentment, disappointment, control, 

fear, frustration, - and wrote them on balloons. I wrote a short little prayer on my balloon tag. We walked outside in the dark, with a full moon, and as we held our hands up, we let our balloons go. We were surrendering to God. We were letting it all go. Then we sang "I Surrender All" as we watched our balloons float away. It was a powerful moment. I have chills even now thinking about it. 

We were paired up with prayer partners, so after our session we went with our prayer partners to talk. I was paired with our pastor's wife. You guys, I couldn't have asked for a better prayer partner. I needed her! I know I didn't let her talk much... but I think in my group of women, they knew what was going to happen if they got me. I couldn't even get out what I needed her to pray for me about... and I was sobbing. I need help grieving. It's so hard. I shared a lot with her. I shared with her the things God told me while I was carrying Emery, the bad feelings I had that I wasn't ever going to be able to keep her. She shared how she had similar feelings at times. She shared things about being Mama's and how we are. She helped me. And she knew some of how I was feeling because her daughter had gone through what I am going through right now. We talked a lot and she let me just get it all out! She let me bawl my eyes out. I am talking I was sobbing, snot pouring from my nose, and tears just flowing from my eyes. I probably haven't cried that hard in a long time since she left this Earth for her heavenly home. I think I held it in for so long, I needed to let it go. I try to be so strong and to be honest, I am not. I just can put on a face but as soon as I speak Emery's name, my eyes fill with Tears. 

Phyllis prayed the sweetest prayer for me. She included in it and it made me feel better that we know I won't ever really "get over" losing Emery, but God will help carry me through this time. He will help make my days slowly get some easier. 

After our prayer time, we headed to the bonfire. It was so nice. We all laughed and talked around the fire for a while. It was such a beautiful night. We enjoyed it so much!!! 

Saturday, we ended our time at Oasis. We had one last session with Shelley on the freedom of letting go. We had a prayer circle then packed up to head back to our realities. I am so blessed with the best church family ever. These women right here are such a blessing to me. They love me, they accept me, and they are all about lifting me up. They don't care if I am a sobbing mess, or smiling. I needed this weekend so bad. 

We made it back home and I couldn't wait to see my family. Makenzi ran and jumped in my arms with legs wrapped around me, Addison gave me a big hug, and Jordan told me when he saw me that if he could've tackled me he would have. It is so nice to be missed that much by my family. I missed them, too. But I enjoyed my time with my ladies, my wonderful mother-in-law, and my Lord!