A few years ago Makenzi asked for roller blades for her birthday.
MeMa obliged and got them for her.
She didn't master them that year, so we put them away for her to try when she got older.
Sunday afternoon she asked if we could get them out again.
I went inside and got the skates, her knee pads, her elbow pads, her helmet, and her gloves.
We had her ready to go.
I tried to get her up first. I couldn't hold her up to save my life. She was about to take me down with her. So, I sat her back down in the chair and told Jordan he had to come take her.
Jordan came and took over. But even he struggled to hold her up. It was like with the skates on her legs become completely limp. She doesn't hold herself up at all.
We laughed so hard!
MiMi tried to help hold her up with Jordan and even that didn't work. I thought she was going to take them both down.
Finally, they make it straight... and we are going to get her down the stairs to go on the sidewalk.
It was quite the challenge.
The laughs we shared this day were priceless.
I fully believe that God knows what we need when we need it most.
Watching my spaghetti legs try her best to skate, with her Daddy holding her up the whole time, while MiMi and me laughed our heads off just helped my day so much. I laughed until I cried. I think God knew I needed that. I had a rough few days through the weekend and watching Makenzi attempt to skate on Sunday just brightened my weekend.
She attempted until she about killed her Daddy's shins and then one little fall and the skates broke. They are now put away and I don't know if she will ever get the hang of skating. But... maybe once we get her skates fixed she will try again. She doesn't really give up easily. But we may have to just let her go and have a few falls so she doesn't kill Jordan and me in the process. ;-) Isn't that how they teach kids to swim, too? Just throw them out there. They'll learn. ;-)
Isaiah 55:9 "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."
God knows all! He knew that putting spaghetti legs on those skates on Sunday would cause the most laughter than we had probably had in our home in a while. We laughed until we were all crying. Makenzi was even laughing her sides out as she was trying to skate.
"If heaven wasn't so far away, I'd load up the kids and go for the day."
The girls have had a few moments over the last few days when we are talking about heaven.
I've told Addison that heaven is our forever home, waiting for us when we die. Jesus has prepared us a special place and it'll be more than we can ever dream or imagine.
We have talked about how that is HOME and this HOME is TEMPORARY. At 4 years old she doesn't understand that. She looked at me while we were at the small dog park last week and pointed back to our apartments and said "No, Mama, that's our home."
She will get it. She is ok with Emery being in heaven but she doesn't quite understand the difference in TEMPORARY and FOREVER. And that is ok because sometimes it's even hard for me to grasp.
Addison loves talking about heaven. She knows that's where her baby sister is, so she wants to talk about Baby Emery daily. She will tell you how Baby Emery is in heaven but she's always with us. She's more at peace with this than I believe any of us are.
Sunday night when I was starting the girls bath, they both said "Mama, will you put your feet in the bath with us so we can sit and talk for a little while?"
What do I do? I pull my pants legs up, put a towel down on the side of the tub, and put my feet in the tub. We talk about heaven. It's just a main topic of conversation for us at this point in our lives and our grieving process.
Addison looks at me as serious as can be and says "Mama, do they have cameras in heaven?"
I said "I don't know, Addison. But I sure would like that because I would be able to take all the pictures of Baby Emery I've always wanted to take of her."
She smiles and then says "Mama, we could take a family picture and Jesus could be in it with us."
Now that would be awesome!!! I think I'd blow that one up big as a wall in my mansion in heaven. :-)
As I was reading to Makenzi out of her bible story book the other night, we were reading about the lady and son with the flour and oil that God continuously provided for.
The young boy died, but Elijah (God's prophet) was there and he took the young boy upstairs while his Mama was mourning him and prayed for God to save the boy. God did. He brought the boy back to life and Elijah took him back to his Mom.
Makenzi looked at me with tears in her eyes and said "Mama, you could've done that with Baby Emery."
With tears in my eyes, I had to tell her I did that with Baby Emery. I cried my eyes out as I told her I never stopped praying for God to please spare Baby Emery. I told her even as I was holding her when they told me that was the end I prayed for a miracle. God just didn't give me my earthly miracle, but He answered my forever prayer by allowing her to be healthy, no pain, no tubes, etc. She just had to go to heaven to get the healing we wanted for her.
I told her we don't understand that and we won't ever understand it. God's plans are good all the time but sometimes we do not understand them. But our job is to continue to bring him the GLORY!
She said "He did bless us, Mama. He blessed you and let you see her and love her for 23 days, Mama!"
I said "He Did! And I promise your baby sister knew you and your sister loved her more than life. Don't you ever think you weren't included in that short blessing we received."
Makenzi understands a little more about heaven and how that is our forever home.
My girls have an amazing love for Jesus. I want to continue to instill that love for Him. I want them to continue to bring Him all the glory in All Things even when it's hard. They bless me more than they will ever know. I couldn't be prouder of them.
Heaven is far away... but I know my Emery is happy and whole there. I am thankful we can talk about heaven and Emery at home. I am thankful that we can talk about how blessed we are to have known her sweet spirit & we can talk about how we will all see her again in heaven. And hopefully, get that big family picture with Jesus!!! I can't wait!
Makenzi has never heard the story of Samson and Delilah!
She absolutely loved it. She loved the name Delilah and I told her just wait until you hear about her. She's not really a good woman.
We read her story and she said "oh man, Mama! She wasn't a good woman, she took away his hair."
But as we got to the end of the story, Makenzi was cheering.
Judges 16:28-30 "Then Samson called to the Lord and said 'O Lord, please remember me and please strengthen me only this once, O God, that I may be avenged on the Philistines for my two eyes.' And Samson grasped the two middle pillars on which the house rested, and he leaned his weight against them, his right hand on the one and his left hand on the other. And Samson said, 'Let me die with the Philistines.' Then he bowed with all his strength and the house fell upon the lords and upon all the people who were in it. So the dead whom he killed at his death were more than those whom he had killed during his life."
I'm telling you reading the bible is like watching the best soap opera ever. There is so much deceit, lying, just all out craziness, and then the good stuff. It is awesome.
It is a relief at times to realize we have many failures as these people back in times when they were able to really talk with God. We have a direct connection with Him through prayer, but we can't hear Him as a voice like they did back then. Yet, they still struggled to believe in His goodness.
I love teaching Makenzi these stories. I love watching her get excited hearing these stories. I love how we discuss them as we read them. I love how she is eager to learn more.
She gets angry when we read the story about people who believe in multiple gods. She says "There is only ONE GOD, Mama. Why don't they see that?"
I pray every night that she continues to have such a love for the Lord. I want His light to shine through her so much.
We read Jezebel tonight and it made me laugh when she said "Mama, why do these girls with the prettiest names have to be the bad girls?" HAHA! She loved Delilah and loved Jezebel... up until we read the story. :-)
While I was on bed rest, Jordan had to do all the grocery shopping for me.
It, also, including picking up necessities for me - like razors, body wash, shampoo, conditioner. All things he is not accustomed to buying but he did it for me.
Well, he brought home this body of Olay body wash. It smelled fine. It got me through and it moisturized great in the winter. I was on bedrest during the winter time, anyway.
Today I was taking my shower... first arm I was able to use my Bath & Body Works body wash. Then I couldn't get anymore out. The rest of the body wash Jordan bought me was in my shower, so I thought I would just finish it off.
I put a dab in my hand to start washing the rest of my body. The scent took over the shower and all of a sudden I am in the shower crying.
It took me back to the place where Emery was in my body and it was a struggle. It took me back to her being in the hospital. It took me back to all the bad times then.
I was in the shower crying. I had no other body wash, so I had to finish cleaning myself. I actually thought about using Jordan's Old Spice body wash. Who cares if I smell like a man, at least I won't be a blubbering mess when I get out of the shower.
Smells just take me back to places in time. Some smells can bring up good memories and then others just make it hard.
Grant it today marks 2 months since we laid Emery to rest and it's a Wednesday, 10 of them to be exact since she left this world in my arms. 10 Wednesday's and 2 months since I have seen her sweet face.
It wasn't a horribly hard day... but I sure thought while standing in the shower it was going to be rough.
I tried telling Jordan about my shower experience and still cried even speaking the words.
Needless to say, the body wash went straight in the trash... no body wash is worth ruining my days.
I went to Walmart for groceries and a new bottle of body wash was bought. Tomorrow will be better.
It is crazy to think that smells will bring up memories. It can take you back to so many places - good or bad. Today it wasn't good... had Emery still been here, I would bet that body wash would've taken me back to the dark times with smiles.
But tonight as I am sitting here writing this post, I see beautiful pink and purple skies. It has been a dreary, rainy day in Nashville but when I looked out it brought a huge smile to my face. There is no coincidence in that. God knows just what I need. I see my baby girl in every single pink sunset or pink sunrise.
Jordan saw it and said "just for you" as I was walking outside to take the pictures.
When I walked back in we walked about how we do not think all of these pink sunsets are a coincidence. We know that God is providing us a way to see Emery Hope. He is constantly letting us know she is well taken care of & to not worry. We will see her again one day. I am forever thankful for that promise... and when I am in heaven with her, smells won't bother me. They won't make me cry my eyes out while standing in the shower.
And here's a picture just because - sweet little Addison & me in the car rider line. She loves snapping pics constantly while we wait on Sissy. God knew exactly what He was doing when He gave me Addison 4.5 years ago. She can bring a smile to any day and she can always make us laugh. Right now, they are in their bedroom singing "It's a LOADED DIAPER." Don't even ask... I have no idea where they came up with the Loaded Diaper song or the band. :-)
It has been absolutely beautiful the last two days!
We have this small "dog park" within walking distance of our apartment. After school, we have walked over to it.
The park has a volleyball court and a frisbee golf course. Pa Mark bought the girls new balls and a frisbee on Sunday, so we have made use of them the last two days.
Yesterday we walked over and played a little volleyball and frisbee. The girls loved it.
It's just little things that seem to make them happy, which in turn puts a smile on my face.
Jordan was able to be with us yesterday at the park. He was trying to teach the girls how to throw the frisbee, which is quite the task for an almost 8 year old and a 4 year old. They decided it wasn't much fun to try to throw the frisbee the right way.
The park, also, has a walking trail. We walked around it twice. I ended up giving Addison a piggy back ride on the last one to come back to the apartment.
They have benches for you to sit on, too. There's not a lot to do there but we enjoy it. And we seem to have it to ourselves most of the time, which the girls enjoy.
While Jordan & I were sitting on the bench, the girls wanted to bounce the balls on the only concrete spot in the park. The concrete spot is supposed to be a frisbee golf driving range. Jordan & I laughed because they had 550 feet set up there for the "Frisbee golf driving range." I'd like to see someone throw a frisbee 550 feet. If you can do that, then call me... we need to chat and go to the park together. :-)
We went back today. I was a little cooler today but we were still there doing the same things - playing ball, bouncing the ball, walking, and just being together.
I am reminded in these times to be present every day. I strive to be a constant part of the girls lives. I want them to remember all the fun times we had and that Mama was there! We laugh and we joke and we play.
Yes, we are human and there are times when my moment needs to just be alone... but if I am doing something with them and for them, I try my best to be 100% present for them.
As we sat out at the park today, they wanted to sit on the benches that faced the road and watch the cars go by. It's the simple things. We were blowing on those flowers that you can make a wish on (forgive me, but I can not for the life of me remember what they are called as I am typing them) and Addison was wishing for a doll, which is her normal, but Makenzi had a serious look on her face.
I asked her what she was wishing for. She told me she couldn't tell me or it wouldn't come true. HA! I managed to still get it out of her. I said "just tell me, please" and she did. She told me "Mama, I was just wishing for another baby sister because I miss Emery."
Oh sweet girl! That melted me... and I reminded her that I missed Emery so much, too. We haven't really talked to the girls (at 7 and 4) that we just don't think it's in our cards to have another baby. It's just not a conversation I want to have with them right now. I can barely talk about it myself.
But as we were talking about it we started talking about Emery and how she was in heaven. I told them I wished she was here as much as they do but God just needed her HOME.
Addison was confused. She said "HOME?! This is our home."
We had the talk on how this is our temporary home, but heaven is our forever home and Emery just got to go to our forever HOME earlier than we did.
Addison is still confused. She looks back towards the apartments and said "Nope, that's our home over there." HAHA!
To be 4 years old... she is the one that is more ok with Emery being in heaven but she doesn't understand how this world is temporary. It is a moment where I will have to continue to teach her.
And I have to admit that it's even hard for me to understand sometimes. It's hard to comprehend. I know HEAVEN is my reward and I can't wait to meet Jesus and worship Him there & see my baby girl, Emery... but it's hard!
All of this the last couple of days have just reminded me to be present with my girls. I want to live in every moment with them. I want to always find a teachable moment with them. I want them to grow to LOVE the LORD so much. I want them to understand the sacrifice Jesus made. I want them to be in heaven one day (hopefully, a long time from now). I want them to be better women than me.
So, I will do my best to be present in their lives every single day of mine.
As I was leaving town tonight, I walked out of the store and there she was! Pink sunsets melt me. I may have sat a little too long watching it go completely down. I sure do miss that sweet girl, but seeing those pink sunsets just make me smile. It puts a little bit of happiness in my voice that sometimes sounds really down.
Psalm 116:1-2 "I love the LORD, because He has heard my voice and my pleas for mercy. Because He inclined His ear to me, therefore I will call on Him as long as I live."
Last week was a hard week. It is my reminder that I'm at the beginning of the end. It's like the days leading up to the 3rd I think so much about Emery and those final days with her.
I miss her terribly. I just had a rough week. I wanted to just stay in the bed. But I didn't. I went on about my week, but I cried a lot.
However, there was a light at the end of my week when I was able to go hear Angie Smith speak at East Maryville Baptist Church. I had read her book I Will Carry You and it just was all the emotions I was feeling as a mother losing my baby girl. I needed to hear her speak. Truth be told, I have now read almost all of her books (including the children's books). I have one book left to read and I am starting it tonight after my bible study (which, by the way is hers, too).
Both of these books I highly recommend. If you are looking for a wonderful bible study, then this is one is amazing. I have learned so much in this study. In I Will Carry You, it discusses her grief after the loss of her baby girl & I could relate to every single page.
I had a friend invite me to come hear her speak. It was an amazing opportunity. She is a part of a bible study online that grew from a few hundred people to thousands from all over the world. I am not in their bible study group on Facebook & it's amazing. It is called Beautifully Designed and we are working on the book Fervent and it is wonderful.
I got to the event on Saturday, and walked into the sanctuary of the church and immediately tears filled my eyes. The pink lights were shining all over the stage. These are Emery Hope colors. It just blew me away. She shows up everywhere and just when I need her.
We had a wonderful time with some praise and worship music. I wish I had a video. I was moved to tears a few times. Good, Good Father by Chris Tomlin was a big song to me when Emery died and I had many friends constantly share it with me during this difficult time. It is just a reminder that we have a Good, Good Father. I can't ever forget that!
You guys.... listening to Angie speak was amazing!!!! I can't even tell you how much it blessed me. I heard her talk about her husband, her living daughters, and her daughter that's went to be with Jesus. She had me laughing and crying... and then all over again. It showed me there is JOY after death! I miss Emery SOOO much! I can't even describe the pain I have. But I know I have the promise of seeing her again all because of HIM!
When she speaks, she is so real! She captivates you. I could've kept listening to her all night. It is like you are sitting on the couch listening to your best friend talk. It is the same with her books. I will read and read and read, when I need to be sleeping because I am just sucked into her stories.
After the speaking, we were able to go to a reception/fellowship where you could meet and greet with Angie Smith.
My Mom went with me. We talked with my friends for a little bit and enjoyed some delicious cookies before I decided I wanted to go get in line and have my book signed and meet Angie. (HA! Like we're best friends, and we are on a first name basis.)
I made it to close to the front. Mom asked if I was going to tell her about my Emery. I told Mom I didn't think I could tell her without crying, so I Just wanted to have my book signed and my picture made with her. Mom said I am going to tell her.
We get up there and Mom speaks the words and I am a crying mess. She is so real, she laughed because we both have tears in our eyes as they tell us to pose for a picture. She said "of course, now they want us to pose!"
I told her a little about my Emery! She told me how sorry she was, she hugged me and we talked a few seconds. She told me to please go on her website and email her. She wanted to hear my whole story. Of course, there are 750 people who want to meet her, so we couldn't sit there and talk about my whole story. It is a LONG one! But you guys, feeling a Mama that has endured the pain I have wrap her arms around me and hold my hand as she tells me how sorry she is for me just relieved me some. I know she fully understands every ache I have. Unless you as a Mama, have endured the pain of losing a precious child you do not understand.
It was a rough week... but hearing her speak, really touched me. She even said things that just rang so true! Like when she said, she knows people try to give you comfort when you've lost a child but she hates it when people say "God just needed another angel." THAT is SO TRUE! No, He didn't need another angel. There is absolutely nothing biblical about that.
Or "God only gives the strongest the most difficult journeys." No, HE doesn't! Once again... nothing biblical about that. He makes me strong, He gives me strength. But He didn't choose me to go through this because He looked down one day and said "OH, SKYE! I think she can handle losing a baby." I don't know WHY he chose my family to go through this journey and I never will. But I do know this... I will handle it gracefully and continue to praise and worship HIM, giving HIM all the glory for all things in my life.
Or "God doesn't give you more than you can handle." Hmmmm... once again, nothing biblical about that. And you try losing a kid, I'm pretty sure that's a lot more than anyone can handle. Watching her precious body/casket be placed in the ground, her casket being closed and me never being able to see that face again until we meet again in heaven. That's a lot to handle. That's a lot more than ANYONE has to handle. But God... well, He's by my side, so I got this!
Losing Emery, 2 months ago was the worst day of my life. I don't think there will ever be a day in my life that will top it in the "worst" department. I miss her terribly. I want her here! I am selfish and want to watch her grow up. I want to hear her laughter in my home with my other two girls. I just want my family of 5 to be perfect in my home.. not the 4 of us here and her in heaven. But... such is life!
God had other plans for my family and I will continue to go through this life without Emery & keeping the HOPE alive that I will see her again! Heaven is my reward for this life. I will continue to Praise HIM, so the day I pass from this world I will see HIM and I will be able to see my Emery as we walk hand in hand on streets of gold. What a glorious, glorious day that will be!
I was so blessed to be able to be a part of that event. I can't thank Donna enough for inviting me as her guest and Kacy for sending me the book that introduced me to the woman who would show me there is JOY that can be seen in Grief!
If you want to be a part of the Beautifully Designed study group just click the link or send me a message on Facebook.
