Saturday, January 7, 2017

The Hardest Year of My Life

2016 proved to be the most difficult year I've ever experienced in my entire 32 years. I didn't know if the punches would quit coming.

It started with all the turmoil of my 3rd pregnancy. I had the hardest time trying to keep Emery Hope in my body. January was the end of it all. I thought at one point I was going to die. 

I can remember laying in the hospital bed, still pregnant. My Mom and Jordan there with me. Jordan had stopped to visit with me before he came home to rest and ended up spending the night. I was struggling. My body was shaking all over, I was cold and hot, my heart rate was extremely high, my blood pressure was extremely low, and I just knew I was dying. I even remember praying for God just to take me and Emery... I was just over living that miserable. 

Jordan was scared and afraid he was going to lose me that night, too. My Mom was holding me and he was sitting in the chair beside the bed praying. He took his boots off and slept on the hard hospital floor that night because he wasn't leaving me. 

Mom said she thought that night was the last night I'd be alive, too. 

Little did we know... 2 days later Emery Hope would make her arrival. Jordan said he can remember the night she was born and watching me sleep and seeing the life come back in my body. He said my pregnancy was killing me. 

We still don't know why. It breaks my heart in two that my body could NOT hold Emery. It held my other two girls but could not keep her protected. 

Our Emery journey was rough. 23 days we had with her. I wouldn't trade the 23 days for anything in this world. I was able to love that girl and show her how much her Mama loved her. I talked to her and rubbed her every chance I had. 

The weekend before she passed I remember feeling the need to stay with her ALL day long. I dropped Jordan off at work and told him I'd come watch his show later I was just going to go visit with Emery. I ended up staying with her until 8PM that night. I made it to the last 15 minutes of his second show. I could NOT leave. I know was God telling me to stay with her because this was going to be a day I could never forget. It was the day I got the best video of her feet moving and reaching for my hands because she LOVED to have her feet rubbed. 

We lost her in February. It was nothing I ever imagined happening. I kept telling myself the whole time I was pregnant that God was going to save her. Deep down I feel I knew she was never mine to keep for long, but I kept fighting those feelings and thinking she was going to eventually come home with us. 

I didn't know if I'd make it through all of it. I did. I was stronger than I ever thought possible. I leaned on God a lot. I struggled a lot, and really and truly I still struggle a lot. I hide a lot of my grief and push through. I try to make the best of everything, but sometimes I just want to scream. 

Emery Hope did exactly what God brought her here to do, but man oh man do I wish things were different. She never got to live a full life, and I wish she would have. I miss her something terrible. I long to sit here and rock her to sleep, feed her, watch her grow. It's hard to think that next week she would be ONE! I wonder daily what would she look like now.... would she still be tiny and mighty or would she be caught up and surpassing her age. I just want to know. I see glimpses of her in my dreams at time and wish I had more. 

2016 we lost so many close to us... I didn't think my heart could take all that it went through. It's still broken, but I'm making it. I don't think the brokenness ever goes away completely. I learn to live again, but the brokenness will be there forever. I will always wish there were 3 little girls running around my house. I will always wonder what Emery would look like in each stage of life... in each season throughout each year. 

2017 I am hoping and praying is a much better year for us. I'm praying that we can continue to be strong as a family and keep each other close. 

So, here's to a new year... and I'm thankful to see 2017 here. I made it through 2016 and I am hopeful that 2017 is going to be our best year yet. 

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