Pink Sunsets | | Pink Sunrises

I just want to document these - 

Ever since my Grandaddy joined my sweet Baby Emery in heaven, I have struggled. I just cry or am depressed or down all day every day. I just need them both. But, I have seen a PINK sunset every single night since he's been with her. 

I just stop and thank God for allowing me to see my sweet girl. I know she's ok... I know she's well taken care of. I know she is happy and carefree. I know she is where we long to be one day. 

I miss her terribly... and with each passing day it seems to hurt worse right now. It's been 5 months since I've seen her face, since I've rubbed her feet and her hair. I just want to hold her and rock her. I want to love on her. 

I am reminded today that it has been ONE week since I kissed my Grandaddy goodbye on this cruel Earth. I didn't get to give him a proper goodbye but I leaned down into that casket and kissed his cold head because I needed that. I didn't think when I kissed him goodbye in June would be the last time I would see him alive. 

You guys, the past two weeks have been miserable for me in my grieving process. But with my PINK sunsets, I am reminded of our eternal HOPE waiting for us all at the end of this life.

 I was having a rough day the other day and looked up and saw the most beautiful pink sunset ever and told my Mom I can just picture my Grandaddy and Emery up there having a big ole time and her saying "Grandaddy, watch this, wanna see my Mama smile?" and them painting the sky pink. Even on my hardest days, a pink sunset can sure bring a smile to my face. 

I took my Mom to the airport early this morning and was able to see the sunrise. Makenzi and I looked up and she couldn't believe it. She said "LOOK MAMA!!!" Oh my sweet Baby Emery was telling us "Good Morning!" I am rarely up before the sun, so it was nice to see that sweet reminder. 

I am reminded of God's eternal glory every day. 

Amazing Grace

Sometimes I just need to hear my girls playing and worshipping! 

This right here melted my heart and made my day. 

I've had some hard days lately, so hearing them singing Amazing Grace just made me smile. 

I hope it does the same for you! 

Let's Talk - Back to School

It's late and I've just started this back to school post. 

One week from today, Makenzi will be back in school. She will be in the 3rd grade. I honestly can't believe it. I am still thinking I should just be bringing her home from the hospital. 

She's really anxious about school. She's hoping she gets a good teacher (and I am praying hard for one). We've had rough year and she needs a very loving teacher. (I am picky in the teacher department when it comes to Makenzi). 

One of our back to school traditions is I always get up and draw what grade she is in on the patio. We take her first day of school picture out there with the bright sidewalk chalk, brand new shoes, backpack, and new outfit. It's always nice to look back at those to see how much she's grown. 

This year we have decided instead of putting Addison in Pre-K, we are going to home school her for Pre-K. I am going to teach her the fundamentals Makenzi learned in Pre-K from home. It will just work for us. Makenzi did not benefit from Pre-K, so we decided we would keep Addison home one more year. 

Addison has learned this and has started telling everyone she's going to be doing "that homeschool." She, also, has made the statement "Mama, when I'm in that homeschool I can still take naps whenever I want, right?" and "Mama, when I'm in that homeschool I can still watch TV whenever I want, right?" I kid you not those were exact questions she asked me. We will have some disagreements I'm sure...but she'll make it. She will learn and be ready for kindergarten for sure. 

I can't wait to experience this school year with my kiddos. However, I am going to be honest and say I am not ready for them to go back to school yet. I feel like we just started summer. 

This weekend I will go and tackle all the school supply shopping, new outfits (it's still so hot out we only get a couple new outfits just so there's something new to start school with, and new shoes. Then we will start bright and early Monday morning. I think I will cry (again... she's in the 3rd grade) the moment I leave her at the door. I have one more year before I have to drop Addison off, too. I will for sure be a basket case that day. 

But I will tell you - back to school means one thing - it's closer to FALL, which of course, is the BEST time of year. I am for certain that's what heaven will be like! :-) 

God DOES Give You More than You Can Handle

Everyone has heard the age old saying "God doesn't give you more than you can handle," and I'm sure we've all used it to someone who is suffering as a consoling message. 

With all that I've been through this year, I've heard it quite a bit and I always smile and nod. 

However, what is really true is God never said he wouldn't give us more than we can handle. Not once! There isn't anything biblical in that statement. 

Losing a child - that's a LOT to handle. God gives you more than you can handle to see how you handle it. Do you lean on HIM or do you stray away? Do you use HIM to cope or do you use something else? Do you trust HIM to bring you through it or do you leave HIM? 

He gives us more than we can handle so that He can help us handle what we are given.

Losing a baby... losing my Grandaddy who has been the man constant in my life for 32 years... has been a lot. And I'm going to go on a limb here and say that's a lot more than I am ever prepared to handle. I'm back to square one of grieving after losing my Grandaddy and I've cried every single day - not just soft cries, I'm talking sobbing cries. I miss Emery Hope and I miss him. I never expected to live this life without either one of them (I knew eventually I'd lose my Grandaddy... I guess deep down... but wasn't prepared for it). 

So, I've experienced WAY more than anyone can handle. However, I've leaned on my Lord for it all. 2 Corinthians 1:9 states "Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves, but on God who raises the dead." God will give you more than you can handle so that HIS great power can be displayed in your life. 

In 2 Corinthians 4:17-18, Paul says "For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal." You guys, Paul is trying to get us to look to the eternal weight of glory. Look to the eternal aspect... not the suffering now. Yes, it's bad... and yes, it hurts so much... but look at eternity. 

I know my heaven gets a little sweeter with each heart break I've experienced this year. As sad as I am here, and as many breakdowns as I continue to have daily... I know one thing I've got some pretty special people in heaven waiting on me. I know my baby girl is there and being well taken care of (how can someone love her more than I do - oh but Jesus can). I know my Grandaddy is there and happy and back to a new body where he has all the energy he had as a younger man. 

So, even though God will give you more than YOU can handle... He will NOT ever forsake you. He won't ever leave you. As long as you allow him in, and allow HIM to comfort you as only He can... you can get through these hard times in life. I promise you that! 

Losing a Child

Last week, Jordan and I were able to have a kid free week. We normally get about one week a summer to ourselves. We fully enjoy this time. I am able to go with him to work (one of the perks of him being a musician), so we are never apart. We get to spend all of our time together. 

While I was there, I experienced something I didn't think I'd ever experience. I had someone tell me "You know there's many ways to losing a child." 

Mind you - this person hasn't lost a child. The child is simply away at college - not at home anymore. I guess you can say an empty nest syndrome. 

Let me tell you something - there is NO comparison to a child going off to college to losing a child like I have my Emery. 

I can't pick up the phone and call her to hear her voice. I can't go visit her whenever I want or ever see her again on this Earth. I don't get to buy her anything... but flowers for her headstone. I don't ever get to experience her growing up and even going to college. I miss every single thing about being a parent to my baby girl. 

Yes, I still have my other two at home... and for that I am oh so thankful. Will I miss them when they move away to college or get married or move out? Absolutely! Will the emptiness I feel when they leave compare to the emptiness I feel losing Emery? ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! 

There is no comparison to that! 

This is just another thing to add to my growing list of things not to say to a grieving mother. 

I pray this person never really has to experience the complete loss of a child, if they truly feel a child moving off to college is even close to losing a child. 

It just shows you that people who haven't experienced losing a child, really do not have a clue. Some people can be really sympathetic and say comforting things, and some people can just be flat out stupid (sorry, but there's just no other word for that). You don't say something like that to a mother who buried their child .... in a cemetery... in a spot in the cemetery especially for small children/babies. 

It hurts me to think people can be so rude. That people can be that ignorant to even think that is a close to a comparison. 

I long to hold my Emery, I long to rock her, nurture her, watch her grow, see her smile, hear her voice, hear her cry, kiss her booboos, kiss her sweet face, rub her soft black hair (and see if it would change to blonde like her sisters' did), look into those BIG eyes (and secretly hope they turned green like mine). But I don't get to see those things... I won't get to see her again until I'm in heaven with her. I know that day will be a glorious day I can only dream about (and even then it won't compare to the greatness of heaven). But to those of you who think losing a child just means them moving away... you are far mistaken! You can call your child, you can visit your child, you can watch them grow and mature, move away and get married, get jobs, etc. I can't do those things. 

It was something that's been weighing on me.... and I needed to just write it out. Emery is missed far more than she will ever even know (because who would miss this cruel nasty world in heaven). I can't wait until the day I can join her... and love her for all of eternity. 

Until then... don't ever compare losing a child to something as much as a child growing up and moving away. There is no comparison. 

I've Got So Much To Say

If you're friends with me on Facebook, you know this summer has been no walk in the park for my family and me. 

We have lost so many close relatives. 

A few of those have brought me to my knees in tears. 

Jordan's Gramma was the first in June... She was such an amazing lady. She loved me like I was hers (and I guess after 9 years I was). Jordan had told me the whole time we've been together how hard it would be when he lost his Gramma and Pop and he took it very hard when she was gone. I held him and let him cry. 

She was absolutely gorgeous. She was a woman that would do anything for anyone. She would give you the shirt off her back if she thought you needed it. She has helped everyone she could for years. She has helped Jordan and me more times than I can even imagine. I loved hearing stories of her at her funeral. She was a special lady and oh my, she will be missed!!! 

We've experienced so much. Our hearts are so broken. I heard the other day "it's like a jigsaw puzzle that's been torn all apart," in a song... and that fits perfectly right now. 

3 weeks from when Gramma passed away, I received a phone call from my cousin in the middle of night... my Grandaddy has just died. Gramma and my Grandaddy passed away much the same way... they felt bad and then within an hour they were gone. When I got that phone call, I broke down. I cried my eyes out and today (he's been gone since Sunday, I am still crying at the drop of a hat). He's the one man I really thought would just live forever and take care of me. I thought he would be there to answer all my questions for all the days of my life. I don't know how to live without him or my Nanny. I am lucky to still have my Nanny but now the reality has set in that I don't get to keep them forever and I will eventually have to tell her goodbye, too... and it's killing me. 

I don't think anyone really realized how close I was to my Nanny and Grandaddy unless you were really close to me. I talked to them every single day. I called them every day when I would go pick Makenzi up from school. I called them when I would head out of town, so they knew where I was and when I was on the road. I called them when I needed to vent or to cry. I called them when something exciting happened. I called them when something devastating happened. I called them multiple times a day when Emery was alive to keep them updated because my Grandaddy couldn't fall asleep at night until he heard how Emery was. They are my world. I don't know how to go on without him... but I know I have to. 

I spent so many summers at their house and I miss those times. I've let my girls experience it some. We've spent Spring breaks there and summer times. I feel sure we aren't going to stop now... we will continue to go see my Nanny. 

We drove them mad. But I know they wouldn't have had it any other way than to have us all under their roof. My Grandaddy was always firm with us (well, except me... you can ask the boys). But... he never once spanked any of us, even the boys, and they were rough sometimes. He told us stories about being in the army, he told us stories about fishing and took us fishing and out on the water, he always had the biggest garden I'd ever seen and worked his summers away in them, he had the most immaculate yard you could think of because that's where he loved to be, he was a John Deere man and that's all he had (he even sold John Deere at his shop for many years), he took care of us all. My Nanny and him spent a week with me after I had Makenzi and Addison to help take care of me and my girls (and spoil my girls). He was right where he wanted to be. 

I told everyone I was his favorite. I said it jokingly but I know in his eyes, I could do no wrong and he loved me immensely (he loved the boys, too but I was the only granddaughter). He took care of me. So many at his funeral would come up to me and say "you were his pride and joy", "he talked about you all the time," "you were his favorite, and I know so because he told me one time," "Skye was always in conversations even if we hadn't been talking about you, you were going to come up somehow, someway." That man was my rock. I knew I could count on him for anything. 

I don't think I can really express how much I miss him already. I want to call my Nanny right now and hear him mumbling in the background. I want to just hug him or feel him tickle my foot as he walked past me with his long fingernails and rough, working man hands or hear him say "when you coming to see me?" 

I know for sure he's with my baby Emery and taking care of her for me until I get there. He's holding her just like he did me. She's got the place as his favorite right now. But I'll be there one day... to be with them. 

You guys, we have had the roughest 6 months ever. We have lost a total of 5 relatives... We lost our Emery Hope, Jordan's Aunt Gail, Jordan's Gramma, Pa Mark's daddy, and my Grandaddy. Our hearts are so heavy. They are so shattered. We need the prayers to get through these rough times. 

I have a few stories to share with you guys - and I hope I can get some blogging done this week and share my heart on some things that have happened lately, but today I had to share my heart a few days after losing the man I thought would live forever. 

Please continue to keep all of us in your prayers - we need them. Please keep Jordan's Pop, Mark's Mama, and my sweet Nanny in your prayers as they learn to live without their spouses of over 60 years. They need comfort like no other. 

"Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and He shall sustain thee: He shall never suffer the righteous to be moved." Psalm 55:22 

"God be merciful unto us, and bless us; and cause His face to shine upon us." Pslam 67:1