Broken Hearts

I wasn't really planning on posting today. I had planned to spend the day next to the pool with my sweet girls. 

We are still out by the pool but I am working on some school work (yes, I am trying to complete my Masters degree in all the madness that is my life), and working on some blog posts. 

I have some big dreams and ambitions lately. I'm spending a lot of time in prayer over them. 

However, this week my broken heart has been playing the biggest part of my life. 

I have missed Emery more this week than most. 

I think it has set in that I'm supposed to have her at home with us and this was supposed to be such a fun summer (don't get me wrong it is going to be a great summer but...) and I was supposed to be sitting out beside the pool watching my girls play in the water while my sweet Emery napped beside me in the stroller. 

Funny how my plans are so different than God's. I've learned now, one of the hardest ways possible, that God's plans are never ours. Yes, sometimes they line up and other times it's completely different. His plans for this time in my life was all His, not mine. I could give you every detail of the plan I planned out in my mind. 

I could give you the details of how I couldn't wait to be a family of 5. My plans, not even my husband's until I convinced him that I definitely need one more baby. He obliged. And we both wound up with broken hearts.

I'm telling you I've learned so much in losing Emery. I've, also, learned that grief is so crazy. I can be completely ok one day (of course, I think of her, and of course I miss her but I am ok) and then the next day I am a blubbering mess. I try not to have breakdowns around Jordan or my girls. Yet, I have them. 

Sometimes I just feel like my world is falling apart. This week I've done so much and felt like I just kept myself busy because my heart was so broken. I want to be cuddling Emery. I want to be sitting there watching her sleep or listening to her coo. Yet, I am grieving her and visiting her in a cemetery. 

Life is so different now than I planned it. 

I'm trying to deal with it. Some days I think I deal with it better than others. 

I am so thankful for my sweet girls I have here on this earth. I am so thankful they are here with me and I am so thankful they can bring laughter and smiles on rough days. 

I am thankful for pool days and summer time to have them both home all day. I am thankful that I am still able to stay home with them. I am thankful for Jordan working, so I can do just that and stay home with them during this difficult time. I know he has hard days and he keeps going to provide for us. 

I don't wish this on anyone. I just pray I can continue to share my Emery's story. I pray the Lord will continue to allow me to give Him all the glory and share my faith and Emery's story in this hard time. 

2016 hasn't been our best year yet, but I'm hoping it will start looking up (we are halfway though the year) but surely to goodness with summer here, we can make it good. I am hopeful. 

I want to ask you to continue to pray for our family. It's been so difficult. 

For now I am going to continue listening to the laughter coming from my girls in the pool... and listening to them play family being attacked by sharks (in the pool) with an escape plan. Never a dull moment in my life around here with my girls. Once again so thankful for them! God knew what He was doing when he blessed me with my precious girls!!! (all 3 of them)

Matthew 18:5 "Whoever receives one such child in my name receives me, but whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a great millstone fastened around his neck and be drowned in the depth of the sea."