Last week was a hard week. It is my reminder that I'm at the beginning of the end. It's like the days leading up to the 3rd I think so much about Emery and those final days with her.
I miss her terribly. I just had a rough week. I wanted to just stay in the bed. But I didn't. I went on about my week, but I cried a lot.
However, there was a light at the end of my week when I was able to go hear Angie Smith speak at East Maryville Baptist Church. I had read her book I Will Carry You and it just was all the emotions I was feeling as a mother losing my baby girl. I needed to hear her speak. Truth be told, I have now read almost all of her books (including the children's books). I have one book left to read and I am starting it tonight after my bible study (which, by the way is hers, too).
Both of these books I highly recommend. If you are looking for a wonderful bible study, then this is one is amazing. I have learned so much in this study. In I Will Carry You, it discusses her grief after the loss of her baby girl & I could relate to every single page.
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I had a friend invite me to come hear her speak. It was an amazing opportunity. She is a part of a bible study online that grew from a few hundred people to thousands from all over the world. I am not in their bible study group on Facebook & it's amazing. It is called Beautifully Designed and we are working on the book Fervent and it is wonderful.
I got to the event on Saturday, and walked into the sanctuary of the church and immediately tears filled my eyes. The pink lights were shining all over the stage. These are Emery Hope colors. It just blew me away. She shows up everywhere and just when I need her.
We had a wonderful time with some praise and worship music. I wish I had a video. I was moved to tears a few times. Good, Good Father by Chris Tomlin was a big song to me when Emery died and I had many friends constantly share it with me during this difficult time. It is just a reminder that we have a Good, Good Father. I can't ever forget that!
You guys.... listening to Angie speak was amazing!!!! I can't even tell you how much it blessed me. I heard her talk about her husband, her living daughters, and her daughter that's went to be with Jesus. She had me laughing and crying... and then all over again. It showed me there is JOY after death! I miss Emery SOOO much! I can't even describe the pain I have. But I know I have the promise of seeing her again all because of HIM!
When she speaks, she is so real! She captivates you. I could've kept listening to her all night. It is like you are sitting on the couch listening to your best friend talk. It is the same with her books. I will read and read and read, when I need to be sleeping because I am just sucked into her stories.
After the speaking, we were able to go to a reception/fellowship where you could meet and greet with Angie Smith.
My Mom went with me. We talked with my friends for a little bit and enjoyed some delicious cookies before I decided I wanted to go get in line and have my book signed and meet Angie. (HA! Like we're best friends, and we are on a first name basis.)
I made it to close to the front. Mom asked if I was going to tell her about my Emery. I told Mom I didn't think I could tell her without crying, so I Just wanted to have my book signed and my picture made with her. Mom said I am going to tell her.
We get up there and Mom speaks the words and I am a crying mess. She is so real, she laughed because we both have tears in our eyes as they tell us to pose for a picture. She said "of course, now they want us to pose!"
I told her a little about my Emery! She told me how sorry she was, she hugged me and we talked a few seconds. She told me to please go on her website and email her. She wanted to hear my whole story. Of course, there are 750 people who want to meet her, so we couldn't sit there and talk about my whole story. It is a LONG one! But you guys, feeling a Mama that has endured the pain I have wrap her arms around me and hold my hand as she tells me how sorry she is for me just relieved me some. I know she fully understands every ache I have. Unless you as a Mama, have endured the pain of losing a precious child you do not understand.
It was a rough week... but hearing her speak, really touched me. She even said things that just rang so true! Like when she said, she knows people try to give you comfort when you've lost a child but she hates it when people say "God just needed another angel." THAT is SO TRUE! No, He didn't need another angel. There is absolutely nothing biblical about that.
Or "God only gives the strongest the most difficult journeys." No, HE doesn't! Once again... nothing biblical about that. He makes me strong, He gives me strength. But He didn't choose me to go through this because He looked down one day and said "OH, SKYE! I think she can handle losing a baby." I don't know WHY he chose my family to go through this journey and I never will. But I do know this... I will handle it gracefully and continue to praise and worship HIM, giving HIM all the glory for all things in my life.
Or "God doesn't give you more than you can handle." Hmmmm... once again, nothing biblical about that. And you try losing a kid, I'm pretty sure that's a lot more than anyone can handle. Watching her precious body/casket be placed in the ground, her casket being closed and me never being able to see that face again until we meet again in heaven. That's a lot to handle. That's a lot more than ANYONE has to handle. But God... well, He's by my side, so I got this!
Losing Emery, 2 months ago was the worst day of my life. I don't think there will ever be a day in my life that will top it in the "worst" department. I miss her terribly. I want her here! I am selfish and want to watch her grow up. I want to hear her laughter in my home with my other two girls. I just want my family of 5 to be perfect in my home.. not the 4 of us here and her in heaven. But... such is life!
God had other plans for my family and I will continue to go through this life without Emery & keeping the HOPE alive that I will see her again! Heaven is my reward for this life. I will continue to Praise HIM, so the day I pass from this world I will see HIM and I will be able to see my Emery as we walk hand in hand on streets of gold. What a glorious, glorious day that will be!
I was so blessed to be able to be a part of that event. I can't thank Donna enough for inviting me as her guest and Kacy for sending me the book that introduced me to the woman who would show me there is JOY that can be seen in Grief!
If you want to be a part of the Beautifully Designed study group just click the link or send me a message on Facebook.
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