I'm Not Contagious

I've had this post on my mind for quite some time. 

Probably a lot of reason why I haven't posted a lot lately (plus, I had gotten a few comments (thankful for my moderation) that were inappropriate and hurt me). 

But... I've had some hurtful things happen lately. 

People treat you differently when you've lost a baby. It has changed me but when people treat you like you've got some disease and they just don't know what to say or how to say things to you it becomes hurtful. When you are excluded from events that you would've been included in had you not lost your baby, it is more hurtful than not. When you don't invite someone based on losing a child, it is more hurtful than not inviting them because you don't know what to say to us. 

We are a different breed. We lost a child. It is a difficult situation. I know you don't know what to say, I understand. I was that way once, too. I didn't know what to say to people who lost children. It's a fine line. But let me tell you, we aren't contagious. You aren't going to lose your children because you speak to us, invite us to normal things, or even be around us. 

You can say things to us and not bring up our loss. We don't necessarily want to talk about losing our baby all the time. I know I don't. I want to remember Emery (and honestly, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of her), I want to share her story, and I want to share how it brought me so strong in my faith. I want to share HER! But I can't talk about her a lot without crying, not yet anyway. So, I want be Debbie Downer around you. I don't just sit and cry at functions or sit and talk about her nonstop to make people feel sorry for me. 

Another thing - don't and I repeat do NOT tell me to get over it. I will never be ok. I probably won't ever be "better." I will go on with my life. I have to and I have to be strong for my kiddos. BUT... I won't be better. I will forever be changed because of Emery. I still struggle being around babies, even if you think I don't. I am happy for you and I love loving on them. I always will.... but don't think it doesn't make me think of what I'm missing. Don't for one second think it doesn't make me think of her and what she should look like right now. And don't for one second think "She's better." I am NOT over losing Emery, and if I live until I'm 100 I won't be over it. 

I will and am going on with my life. I am happy most days. I smile and I laugh. I joke with my family. But there's someone missing from my family and my heart aches for her in a way I can't even describe to you. 

I want you to know just because you're around me doesn't mean I'm going to ruin your JOY but you can sure ruin what little I have by excluding me because you think losing a baby has sucked the life out of me and you just don't know what to say to me. 

So, I will say it again... I am not contagious. I'm not going to make you depressed, I'm not going to rub off on you and make you feel like you'll lose your precious child (I don't wish that upon anyone... it's a pain that no one can express.), and I won't steal your JOY because you're happy and you think I'm not. 

Remember that when you're speaking to those who have lost children... we hurt! We are sad. And we will always miss our sweet babies. They're supposed to be here. So, if I live until I'm 100... Emery will forever be a part of me and I will miss her and wish she was here until the day I die and am reunited with her again in Heaven. But until then.... my life must go on.