The Hardest Year of My Life

2016 proved to be the most difficult year I've ever experienced in my entire 32 years. I didn't know if the punches would quit coming.

It started with all the turmoil of my 3rd pregnancy. I had the hardest time trying to keep Emery Hope in my body. January was the end of it all. I thought at one point I was going to die. 

I can remember laying in the hospital bed, still pregnant. My Mom and Jordan there with me. Jordan had stopped to visit with me before he came home to rest and ended up spending the night. I was struggling. My body was shaking all over, I was cold and hot, my heart rate was extremely high, my blood pressure was extremely low, and I just knew I was dying. I even remember praying for God just to take me and Emery... I was just over living that miserable. 

Jordan was scared and afraid he was going to lose me that night, too. My Mom was holding me and he was sitting in the chair beside the bed praying. He took his boots off and slept on the hard hospital floor that night because he wasn't leaving me. 

Mom said she thought that night was the last night I'd be alive, too. 

Little did we know... 2 days later Emery Hope would make her arrival. Jordan said he can remember the night she was born and watching me sleep and seeing the life come back in my body. He said my pregnancy was killing me. 

We still don't know why. It breaks my heart in two that my body could NOT hold Emery. It held my other two girls but could not keep her protected. 

Our Emery journey was rough. 23 days we had with her. I wouldn't trade the 23 days for anything in this world. I was able to love that girl and show her how much her Mama loved her. I talked to her and rubbed her every chance I had. 

The weekend before she passed I remember feeling the need to stay with her ALL day long. I dropped Jordan off at work and told him I'd come watch his show later I was just going to go visit with Emery. I ended up staying with her until 8PM that night. I made it to the last 15 minutes of his second show. I could NOT leave. I know was God telling me to stay with her because this was going to be a day I could never forget. It was the day I got the best video of her feet moving and reaching for my hands because she LOVED to have her feet rubbed. 

We lost her in February. It was nothing I ever imagined happening. I kept telling myself the whole time I was pregnant that God was going to save her. Deep down I feel I knew she was never mine to keep for long, but I kept fighting those feelings and thinking she was going to eventually come home with us. 

I didn't know if I'd make it through all of it. I did. I was stronger than I ever thought possible. I leaned on God a lot. I struggled a lot, and really and truly I still struggle a lot. I hide a lot of my grief and push through. I try to make the best of everything, but sometimes I just want to scream. 

Emery Hope did exactly what God brought her here to do, but man oh man do I wish things were different. She never got to live a full life, and I wish she would have. I miss her something terrible. I long to sit here and rock her to sleep, feed her, watch her grow. It's hard to think that next week she would be ONE! I wonder daily what would she look like now.... would she still be tiny and mighty or would she be caught up and surpassing her age. I just want to know. I see glimpses of her in my dreams at time and wish I had more. 

2016 we lost so many close to us... I didn't think my heart could take all that it went through. It's still broken, but I'm making it. I don't think the brokenness ever goes away completely. I learn to live again, but the brokenness will be there forever. I will always wish there were 3 little girls running around my house. I will always wonder what Emery would look like in each stage of life... in each season throughout each year. 

2017 I am hoping and praying is a much better year for us. I'm praying that we can continue to be strong as a family and keep each other close. 

So, here's to a new year... and I'm thankful to see 2017 here. I made it through 2016 and I am hopeful that 2017 is going to be our best year yet. 

It's a New Year

I know I have been MIA for a while. 

I really have no reason for being MIA other than life happens. 

We have celebrated Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Years. We have had some good times, some great times, some hard days, and just life. 

I will say I am oh so thankful for all of my many blessings. God has sure blessed me even through one of the hardest years I've ever been through. 

We were more than ready to see 2016 come and go. I won't say 2017 has been great yet... I have to get through the first two months which I believe will be rough. It's hard to think that next week Emery should be 1. And then 23 days later, I will go through the 1 year anniversary of her passing. I am just praying that we can get through this and everything start to look up some for us. 

We decorated our sweet baby girl's headstone for Christmas. The girls each picked out a candy cane and Makenzi picked a snowflake and Addison picked out a penguin that says "Let It Snow." My Nanny helped me pick out some beautiful flowers for her vase. We had her all decorated for Christmas. It was beautiful out there. 

We went to my cousin Carl's Home for Christmas concert in Mississippi with my Mom and Nanny. It was not the easiest or most enjoyable concert I've been to. It was like something was missing because my Grandaddy wasn't sitting there with us. However, I am glad we were there. We all needed the support of each other. I had a few moments of breakdowns, but I think we all had a few as we went through the night. 

I went over to the funeral home (which is where they have the dressing room for the musicians) and hung out with my little Addison during one of the concerts. We played and ate. We had a big time together. But I told her she had to sit through the second concert. 

They love Carl so much! We had to snap a quick picture of them before we headed out for the night after the after party. (late nights for little girls) 

We shopped till we dropped for Christmas gifts! 

We started Christmas early at MeMa's and decided that we should just start Christmas break early. Makenzi missed 3 days of school leading up to Christmas break so we could hang with family and enjoy Christmas! Merry Christmas baby girl! 

We saw a few pink sunsets... actually quite a bit but I won't bore you with all the pictures of pink sunsets I took. 

Santa came to visit all 3 of my girls! Makenzi and Addison got a new Barbie dream house and barbies (like they needed more). Makenzi got the cookbook she had been begging for. Addison got legos she had been asking for. They had a BIG Christmas and were oh so happy! Emery got her own stocking and an angel Christmas ornament. 

Our elves came right after Thanksgiving and the girls kept asking if I thought Santa would send them an elf for Emery. My heart just couldn't take moving a 3rd Elf without Emery here. I thought long and hard about it and prayed about it. I just couldn't do it. I explained to them that Emery didn't need an elf because she wasn't here and what she has in heaven is way more than any gift you could receive here. They understood. But right before Christmas Eve, on a really hard day for me I decided Santa needed to bring Emery a stocking and an ornament. The girls were excited and told me that it was so thoughtful of Santa to include Emery. So, every year we will hang her stocking up with ours. I thought that was easier for me than moving an elf. 

We bought the girls Pie Face and played it together one night. Addison refuses to play but Jordan, Makenzi, and me played it and all were pied. We laughed so hard. It was so much fun to just play together. Family game night is interesting at our house now - with pie face and Makenzi just got Speak Out, too. 

With Makenzi's new cookbook, we baked cookies. They were a hot mess, but eventually we will get the hang of it. At least they tasted delicious. They just didn't look very pretty. 

We had unseasonably warm temperatures, so we took the girls to the park the day after Christmas. It was so nice to just be together as a family. 

The girls went to MiMi and Pa Mark's during the week after Christmas, so Mama and Daddy had some time together. We spent our whole week downtown Nashville. We just enjoyed our time together and time with our friends Tyler and Kayla. 

We celebrated New Years Eve together with our friends and girls. I was sick with a cold, but we still managed to put on a pretty awesome party. We played Speak Out and Pie Face, laughed until we cried, rang in the new year twice (because Addison missed it the first time, so we counted down twice and kissed twice), and stayed up until well into the New Year. 

We spent a lot of time in Target because well, we just love it! 

We checked out the cats at Pet Smart. 

We went to see Moana and had the whole theater to ourselves. 

We have just enjoyed our Christmas break! I'm sad that it's almost over and it's back to routine. 

I am going to try to do better now that the New Year is here. I want to share how the first year of grief has gone, and the year without Emery. We made it through the year I thought I would never make it through. It's here. 2017! And I have the best family I could ever ask for. I'm ready to tackle 2017 head first! 

I'm Still Here

I've been MIA for quite some time. 

I apologize. We have been so busy since school started back that I just haven't taken the time to sit down and work on my blog like I want. 

I have so much I want to share with you guys. 

We have decorated Emery's headstone with fall flowers. It looks beautiful out there for her. I love this time of year and couldn't wait to decorate her headstone in the most beautiful fall flowers. 

Makenzi had her school pictures. I went to Walmart the night before her pictures and picked her up a cute little dress so she would wear something new this year. When I got home with it, Addison asked me "what about me?" I had picked her up the same dress. MY girls LOVE to dress alike. I have some of the sweetest sisters ever. 

We spent some time at the Wilson County Fair. We love the fair. We look forward to it every single year... the food, the rides, the fun! 

We've had some busy times and some fun times. The girls have been gone or with grandparents the past two weekends, so I've spent time downtown with Jordan. We love our time together. He loves being able to have me downtown and I love being there with him. 

We have all enjoyed this fall like weather this week. Cool weather after the crazy, hot summer we have had is so nice! Fall is my favorite time of year anyway, so feeling the crispness in the air has just made my heart so happy. 

I want to share a little something with you guys - after the year I've had I have spent a lot of time contemplating, thinking, praying, and making notes and mental notes on writing a book. I want to share some things I feel might be helpful to others. I want to write a book on What You Do When God Doesn't.... like when He doesn't answer your prayers in the way you want. Where do you go? I want to just continue to use my faith, continue to use my Emery's story, and write from my heart. I want to show people I do still scream and do still have my moments of being MAD and I think others could benefit from a book like that. So, I am going to be making notes... I'm not saying it'll happen, and I'm not saying it'll happen soon. But I am thinking on it and I am making notes. I am going to attempt to put together some thoughts in a coherent way to try at writing a full book. *wide eyed emoji* Please pray with me that I may be able to do something like this to benefit others. I know reading certain blogs, books, and even articles have truly helped me. I want to continue to use my Emery's story to help others! 

Anyway - I just wanted to run all of that by you all. I wanted to share a little of our lives lately and I hope starting this week I can get inspired to make my daily posts again! :-) Much love to you all! 

Mommy & Me Pics

We had pictures made, thanks to my sister-in-law and brother. 

They were Mommy and me pictures. It was kind of bittersweet because I was a missing a girl. 

However, she was there... we took her things to add to our pictures and as the pictures were over the most beautiful pink sunset happened. 

I love these pictures. I'm going to share a couple of them with you. 

If you are local, you can look up Kori Hobbs Photography. She's awesome. 

We have been friends for years. Our oldest girls are a day apart. We had bedrest at the same time and kept each other company by texting all day long while we were laying. 

So... here are a few of our pictures! Enjoy! 

My sweet, sweet girls! They are the BEST of friends. You can see their closeness here, the way Makenzi wraps her arm around Addison. Addison in true form... refusing to smile, but she can barely help it! I love these girls, oh so much!!!! 

My big Makenzi! I can't believe how big she has gotten! She is beautiful. Those sweet little cheeks, that smile, and her looking so grown up. I can't believe how big she is. She is supposed to still be my baby. 

Of course, our little sidekick Bella joined in for a few pictures. They had their pictures made right before us. :-) 

Addison was being a little punk - and didn't want to smile for any of the pictures. I think this is probably one of my favorite pictures of her. That is her personality... trying not to smile but could barely help it. Those big sweet dimples showing, and those gorgeous, huge brown eyes! 

And last but not least... the pictures with their baby sister. I brought Emery's picture from her casket, the pillow the lady made out of my dress with the same embroidery that was on Emery's burial gown & the bow just like the one she wore on her head, and the teddy bear that came with her casket (which we refer to as Baby Emery). These girls (all 3 of them) are the reason I breathe. 

When I saw this picture, it brought tears to my eyes. It wasn't quite the picture of my dreams, but it is what it is. God knew better than me.  

I can't thank Kori, and my brother and sister-in-law enough for these pictures. They are so gorgeous and we will cherish them. 

Friday Favorites

Today I am linking up with Andrea and Erika with my Friday Favorites. 

ONE

It was back to school this week. Although not my absolute favorite (because who wants to wake up at 5am) but I love back to school pictures. 

I love the memories of going back and looking through the years and seeing how much my girls have grown. 

Yes, I misspelled school and had to write over it (ha!). I really started questioning myself on my ability to homeschool her at this point in the week. 

TWO 

I never thought I would homeschool, but I decided instead of putting Addison in an actual Pre-K program I would just homeschool her. 

I spent yesterday (Makenzi's random day off in the first week of school) making a Pre-K folder (thank you Pinterest) for Addison. 

Last night, we sat down and worked on it. She is so proud of herself and really concentrating on it. It makes me proud of her and even myself for being able to teach her. 

THREE 

SNAPCHAT FILTERS 

FOUR

I kept telling Jordan that Robby looked like a Barbie doll... not necessarily the best looking Ken Barbie but still he looked plastic to me. When I saw this comparison on Facebook the other night, I about died. I laughed and laughed and immediately screenshot it to share with Jordan. Someone needed to mess Robby's hair up!!!! :-) 

FIVE 

Hot pink sunsets!!! Always reminds me of my sweet Emery Hope who is painting the skies in heaven.  I am forever thankful for God allowing me to see her beauty through the pink skies. 

SIX 

I went with some friends to the CMA Fest back in June. We had the best time. 

We watched the CMA Fest on TV the other night and I saw Carmen and her Mom on TV, where Dierks Bentley reached down and touched her head! AHHH!!!! I was so excited. I squealed "Jordan, there's Carmen!" and he kept rewinding it until he got the perfect picture!!! :-) 

SEVEN

This Bath and Body Works body scrub!!! After a hard day for me, a headache, and just being worn out.... I get in a hot bubble bath and soak and scrub with it! AMAZING!!!! 

I received it in a care package from a friend after Emery passed away. I tagged her in Facebook to thank her. I am still so thankful for this little jar of happiness! :-) 

EIGHT

First week of school has us all like..... 

I will have to say it's been a good first week of school... a busy one, but luckily we've had a good one! 

I am looking forward to watching a couple of movies with the kiddos and Jordan tonight, while we eat Sloppy Joes (their request) and slice up a watermelon. Hope you guys all have a wonderful weekend!!!!